I'm not sure what to do about this...

Okay, so I'm going to try to organize my thoughts. When I first wrote this, it was a very jumbled rant, and just getting my feelings out and down on paper.

Ever since Festival of Lights ended, I have felt bored and kind of sad when I'm not doing anything. I'm not even sure if that's the right way to describe it. I feel numb. I don't want to move. Or talk. Or eat, or sleep, or drink. I fight it with all of my energy. I don't dwell on the things that are bothering me (I don't address them either, and that might be part of the problem). I force myself to be interactive. Sometimes the urge to isolate overpowers me, though. And for the first time, it is a real need/want to be alone, and to get away from people, instead of wandering off to try to get people to follow, a.k.a. attention-seeking. I don't do that anymore (at least, I think I don't, I'm trying really hard not to).

There are quite a few things that are bothering me.
(1) I found out on Saturday that my aunt (my favorite aunt) has terminal cancer. They gave her 3-4 years, if all goes well.
(2) I think I'm starting to love someone. I DON'T WANT TO. I can't can't can't love someone right now.
(3) I am absolutely TERRIFIED of never acquiring the level of skill needed to play the music I hear in my head. I am afraid I will never be good enough (and that applies to more than just music).
(4) I hate my school. I almost cried getting on the bus yesterday.
(5) I am afraid I won't be able to go on the Winter Retreat, even with the scholarship (which only covers half). We simply don't have $55 (as my mother keeps telling me).

And on top of all that, I had a really bad day on Sunday, my favorite day of the week. I spilled pop all over my jeans in HSM. My toothpaste opened in my makeup bag. My (dad's) electric-acoustic stopped working, and I don't know what's wrong with it. During Missio Dei's lunch, ALL of my friends sat with my ex. I ate alone in the HSM room. Oh, and after all that, I spent almost 2 hours pretty much completely alone with a boy in the HSM room, discussing music. Which was kind of good and kind of bad. It was kind of good because he is one of the best guitarist's I know, I look up to him as a musician, and he usually never talks to me, so discussing music with him was awesome. It was kind of bad because he is the one I (think I) am starting to love, and talking to him, him identifying with me, and him treating me like I was someone worth talking to didn't help the attraction factor. In this situation, it is so WRONG for me to like him, love him, or be attracted to him.

But that's not the worst of it. That's not what is bothering me the most.

It's my music. I don't know what is wrong with me, and it's tearing me up and driving me so crazy I want to scream! I don't feel it any more. When I play, there is no joy. Just an overwhelming numbness and emptyness. I have tried forcing myself to play to reclaim the joy and peace that comes with playing. It's not coming. Sometimes I stop in the middle of a song, and stare into space for an extended period of time. I just can't keep playing. It's torture! Music is my life! It used to fill me up, and now there is nothing, I don't feel anything but hollow when I play. No love, joy, peace, excitement. I feel like my music has died somehow. I need someone to tell me what's wrong!

Happy New Year!

So. It's 2009. I am experiencing a lot of emotions regarding that. Excitement. Content. Joy. A little bit of sadness. The biggest ones are peace and calm. Mostly because I know that God is in control, and I am at peace with whatever decisions He makes for my life.
Something I discovered on New Year's Eve was that being alone is not always the same as being out on my own. And although both have the potential to be incredibly lonely, they don't have to be. This was the first New Year I have spent on my own (not alone). My cousin drove me downtown after dropping off her baby at my house for my mom to babysit. I helped her with her hair at her house, and then we went our seperate ways. I walked about a mile to Rosa Park's Circle, listened to the local band for about an hour, and watched the ball drop. All in all, rather mundane. The only sense of excitement for me was in the fact that I was on my own (and trusted to be, my mom didn't have a problem with it). When the ball reached the bottom, the countdown reached zero, and everyone cheered "Happy New Year!", I whispered quietly to myself, and to God, "Happy New Year...". I walked in silence through yells, cheers, and screams all around me, with a sense of peace and excitement about what was in store. Because as the countdown reached the end, and I whispered those words, I made the final, and official decision about something I and others had been praying about for about a month. This is the statement/contract type thing I wrote and signed regarding my decision.


I, Nicole Bjork, commit to not dating or being in a relationship with any person of the opposite gender until my sophomore year of college.

Dating and/or being in a relationship includes and is defined as: spending time alone with someone of the opposite gender as more than a friend; going out with a group with the specific intention of spending time with/seeing one person of the opposite gender as more than a friend; anything more than friendship with anyone of the opposite gender.

My sophomore year of college is defined as not starting until the completion of my first class day of that year.

x_Nicole Bjork___




Hope everyone has a great year!