Drama drama drama.... and Taking Steps

About 3 or 4 weeks ago, I decided it was time to start being pro-active about beating my disease (diagnoses, whatever you want to call it, to me it is a sickness). I pondered it, and eventually realized that any actions still being incorporated would need to go first (as in behaviours as opposed to ways of thinking). The only behaviour still consistantly present is attention-seeking, so I decided to work on that. I started doing this by identifying ways I seek attention, situations I would be more tempted to do it in, and people I seek attention from. Now that I have identified these things, it is easier to stop myself from doing and saying things that would contribute to that behaviour. I still do it all the time (at least it seems like it to me, when I look back on my day) but little by little, I am fighting it. Old habits (this one's been going on 4 years) are hard to break, but God's grace will pull me through. I have been constantly praying for strength, and I get it.
Another part of it being so hard is that sometimes I get confused about whether or not what I'm doing really is attention-seeking or if I'm just over-analyzing (and vice-versa), but that is a whole different topic. My brain is a very confusing (and sometimes hateful) place to be.
The other part of being pro-active was something I didn't realize I needed to be mindful about until last night. Certain circumstances caused me to get very worked up and upset. I realized afterwards that the thing I was upset about in the first place was only the main cause of my angst for a few minutes. After that, my entire dramatic energy poured into hating myslef, my situation, and the fact that I have to deal with and fight something that isn't my fault. Which is a whole ton of energy. On my knees, I cried out to God and screamed at Him to please heal me (not an audible scream). I was angry from asking over and over and it feels like there is no change. I am angry because it is not my fault and it is not fair that I have to deal with this. So I screamed at God. Because I am frustrated with crying out to Him and seemingly getting no answer. And sometimes I feel so helpless.
I just want to be okay.
And this is what I need to be mindful about. Not making mountains out of molehilles; not being so dramatic; learning to take take things in stride more. Learning to calm down. Learning to breathe. Learning that not everything has to be a catastrophe.
Because the thing that got me more upset than anything was how I reacted. It was disproportionate. I reacted wrongly, and it reminded me of how wrong I am inside.
So from now on, instead of having a heart attack, I'm going to breathe. I'm going to ask myself "Am I being dramatic? Is this really that big of a deal?"
This is how I will combat the continual mental, emotional, and relational instability in my life. And it has to work, because I can't keep living like this. It's not fair to me or anyone around me. It's not okay.
And I just want to be okay.