Relationships.

Monday night I had a dream that I got married to my ex boyfriend. It was, by far, the best dream I have ever had. I saw him the next day and we had a short conversation for the first time in 3 years. I know he will never see this, so I don't mind saying on here that it made me miss him and that connection. He has a different girlfriend now, and I have moved on and healed from that relationship, but that doesn't mean I'm not nostalgic about it every once in a while. Actually, what I miss most is the friendship that we had even before we were going out.
I just read on facebook that my ex best friend is engaged. I introduced her to her fiance, but I doubt I'll get an invite to the wedding.
I'll be 20 this summer. My daughter will be 9 months old then. When everyone else is getting married and going to school, I am taking care of a newborn.  I would choose my daughter over a man every single time, obviously, and I love her so much. I just can't help but wonder when someone will propose to me? Or even ask me out? How many guys would not feel awkward about me bringing my baby with me on a date? I'm willing to wait, because I know I deserve to be valued. I know I deserve to be in relationships (friendships and otherwise) with people that treat me with respect, as an equal, not with people that look down on me as if they know better than I do (hence my "ex best friend").
Being a mother, I feel more like myself than at any other time in my life. I feel more whole, if that makes sense, as if this is what I was meant to do, to be. I have been forming new friendships lately, with the women in my MOPS group and people in the college group at church. It feels good to be in relationship with people that support me and respect me as an equal, no matter what the age difference. I guess my point in all of this is that I deserve more than what I was getting before, in reference to how people treat me, and that I will no longer tolerate being treated badly to keep the good parts of a relationship.

Someone- a peer- told me I was their role model the other day. As you can imagine, I was baffled, and a little shocked! When I asked her why, she said, "Because throughout everything you have shown such strength and such courage and you really inspired me to become a better person. I was kind of going through a scary time in the beginning of the college thing, and I thought of you and your mountains of strength and courage, and those thoughts made me feel better and made me think "Hey, if she can do it, I can do it.""

I have always considered myself a strong person. I have always been, and will probably always be, stubborn, hard-headed, strong-willed, and strong-hearted; and those are qualities I am proud to have.

Moving on

Why is it so taboo to say you miss someone no longer in your life, or a moment gone too quickly? I guess I'm feeling nostalgic; two of the people that I've felt the closest to in the past how ever many years... well, I feel life urging me to let them go and move on. I will miss them, and though their influence on my life will not be nearly the same, I hope it will still be there in small remnants of what I was used to. They were the ones who've loved me, and told me so; and because of that (and life experiences), I clung to them like a person dying of thirst to a glass of water. They cared about me in ways that I needed (although not always necessarily ways that I wanted).
I feel sorry in one aspect; that I will never truly be able to express the depth of my gratitude or what they mean to me. I believe that it is time for me to move on, and because I believe that, there is peace. I feel ready... which is leaps and bounds away from just a year ago, when I frequently panicked at the idea of them not being in my life. I know now that this is normal and healthy. Leaving people in the seasons they were meant for, instead of dragging them along behind... it's life. But there is some sadness. Enough so that I can justify saying a heartfelt "I will miss you" when the time comes.

It's a GIRL! Genevieve :-)

Thoughts on being pregnant...

Just some things I've noticed the past few weeks:

I have reclaimed my childhood habit of dumping out the Frosted Mini-Wheats and picking out the most frosted ones to put in my bowl. Then after all the decently frosted ones are gone (which is about half the box), I have no desire to eat the rest.

I am not yet showing, which is something I consider a blessing from God, and my belly fat, especially since I am almost 5 months (I am 18 weeks)!

My ultrasound is scheduled for two weeks from yesterday, so Thursday, July 8th. I am getting very anxious to see the creepy/adorable little outline of my baby, and find out the sex (even though I am almost positive it's a boy). Speaking of boys, I have narrowed down the first name for that gender to Gabriel.

The mood swings that are typical to pregnancy, not to mention my everyday life (it's so fun being me), or as I like to refer to it, pregnancy insanity, have been manageable and almost nonexistent since I started taking that blessed little blue pill, Prozac.

I am getting quite irritated with people constantly asking me if I am going to keep this baby. SO STOP! As of right now, the answer is YES, THIS BABY IS MINE FOREVER. Also, I couldn't care less about your opinions or advice, since this decision is going to affect the rest of MY life (and of course, the baby's), NOT yours, so stay out of it! Yeah, you can say you only have my and my baby's best interest at heart, but that's a poor excuse, and I don't want to hear it, because it's like saying that I DON'T have our best interests at heart. Which leads me to say HOW DARE YOU. (To those of you reading this who have been nothing but supportive, this is not aimed towards you, it is a rant of emotions that I have bottled up towards people that think it is okay to question my sanity/responsibility/maturity/ability to be a good mother (this last one irks me the most, because anyone who knows anything about me knows I am going to be a GREAT mom.), and think it is okay to tell me how to live my life, as if they know how to do that better than me.)

One of the reasons I feel that parenting is the right way to go this time, is that I actually FEEL like a mother this time. When I was pregnant with Miya, I was completely at peace with my decision to relinquish her for adoption; also, I felt very little motherly instinct towards her before and after she was born. Don't get me wrong, I love her very much; she is my daughter. But somehow, my heart always knew that I was not her mother. This time, however, I am so in tune with my motherly instinct that just the thought of seeing my baby for the first time brings me to tears.

I have also given some significant thought to how I am going to raise this child, and I have come to the conclusion that there are two things I have deemed absolutely necessary to my child's life: unconditional love, and God. This being said, I know I already have the unconditional love part covered. I feel as if my heart would burst if there was any more love in it for this child inside of me. I know that I want to implement God into my child's life from the day he (ore she) is born (through praying out loud with him, bringing him to church, reading the Bible to him, and so on), but is has occurred to me that I need to get my own spiritual life on track long before I try to start sharing it with my child. I'm not really sure how to do that, but I am trying, by praying, reading my Bible, going to church, and writing in my prayer journal. Admittedly, I have not been doing this on a regular basis like I know I should be, and I think that is due to the most disturbing part of my lack of relationship with God so far; my once fiery passion for God has been nonexistent the past few months. It's like in that song "Rediscover You":
I need to just admit
My faith is paper thin
I'm feeling so burned out
On religion
I say an empty prayer
I sing a tired song
I need to just admit
That the passion's gone
And I want to get it back...

Anyways, I'm tired and hungry (I can literally feel my blood sugar dropping), and I have a friend's open house tonight, so that's all I have to say for now. I will try to update regularly, and I know for sure that I will after my ultrasound. Until then, please pray for me, my baby, and my spiritual life.

Philippians 1: 18b-20

Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death

The Perfect Dance Partner

Three months ago, my friend and I went to Swing for the first time. For those of you who don't know what that is, it is a dance event hosted by the Grand Rapids Original Swing Society (G.R.O.S.S.) every Tuesday night. Since then, we have gone every week. We have both met many new people and made new friends. I was introduced to "Carter" through some mutual friends. He was then introduced to my friend. To make a long story short, they have grown closer and closer over the past months, and I highly suspect that they like each other very much. The only problem with this is the crush that has crept up on me. Believe me, I'm trying my hardest to get rid of it. I don't want to feel that way, and I want my friends to be happy. But I have to admit, the green monster has been showing its face more often than I would like. Not that I let anyone else see it, but I hate how it makes me feel. I let it get to me a little too much, and was very depressed at Swing for two weeks straight.
Last night was different though. My friend had told me that Carter was concerned about me, and that he didn't want to do anything to ruin our friendship. Well, you can bet that made me feel like a heel, so I resolved to clean up my act and move on. I figured, since I didn't want to have a crush, if I ignored it long enough, it would go away. My plan worked. I had a great time, and danced to at least ten songs, despite the injury to my foot. The only glitch happened when a waltz came over the speakers. My ears perked up, and I jumped up to find Carter (about a month earlier, I had taken a beginner waltz lesson, and knew how to do the basic step with a spin really well), and the only other person that I knew that also knew how to waltz somewhat was him. But when I found him, my friend and he were already preparing to take the floor. So I walked away, admittedly a little jealous and upset, because I'm the one that knows how to waltz, yet I'm the one with no one to dance with. And what's worse, the song they play for the waltz is a really cool love song with a great tune... that always makes me heartsick.
So I went in search of my friend "Andrew", who doesn't really know how to waltz, but I decided I would try to teach him. It was uneventful, but I think a few more weeks and he'll have the basic step/spin down, lol. After that, I went to sit down at a table and rub my foot (it was sore and stiff, I probably overdid it a little too soon). I was thinking about what had just happened, and about how my emotions were annoying and illogical. I then had a revelation; it just popped into my head out of nowhere, but it is something that I think will help me through the weeks to come: "God is my perfect dance partner."
As I think about it more now, I realize that it's not as much about dancing as it is about feeling close to someone, and not just physically, but emotionally as well. With that in mind, I think I would much rather have God as my dance partner than anyone else, because He will always be the first to ask, I will never have to go searching for Him, and His strong arms make Him the perfect leader (in dance terms), so easy for me to follow that I don't have to think about what I'm doing. All I have to do is enjoy the strength and safety of His embrace, and let myself rest in His presence, knowing that He thinks I am beautiful beyond compare, and loves me with no end. He is, without a doubt, the perfect dance partner.

AHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm on t.v.!

Humble Myself.

I don't really know how to start this, because I am just too weary (physically, emotionally, and mentally) to come up with something clever to say. I guess the point I want to start with is this:
Since August, I have been crying out to God constantly. Either He refuses to answer yet, or I just haven't heard it. The longer it takes for me to feel Him in my life, the more frustrated I get. The more broken I feel. The more it seems like my life is falling apart, and even though I'm SCREAMING at God to help me, He's letting it fall through my fingers like sand. Weekly I go home from youth group and sob so hard I get a migraine every time, and scream in my head because I hate how far away He feels during worship. I hate how broken I am; I hate how crazy I am. Any, yes, finally I'll admit it: I am ANGRY at God! I don't know how to change that. I feel like I'm getting crazier by the day, yet I don't understand why. I feel like I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing, but I'm still being ignored. I have been reading His word and praying daily, I have been consistently pursuing a relationship with Him, but I can't feel Him come near to me, now when I need Him the most. I don't know what else to do, or what I'm doing wrong. Obviously I still sin, but there's nothing I'm not working on (as far as I know).
This morning I decided to try a different approach. Instead of screaming for help on a daily basis, I am now going to assume and accept that He has heard me, and that He will answer me if I just listen. I think maybe I've been making too much noise of my own to hear what He has to say. So I will calm my spirit. I will wait for Him in quiet submission and humble silence. Please pray for me.

Pray for me.

Something has come up that might adversely affect me. I don't want to get ahead of myself by assuming it's true (because I honestly don't trust my own mind sometimes), but things are starting to add up. For now I'm going to assume that it's not true and stay calm. But my heart feels like it's being squeezed by an iron fist.
Please pray for me for strength, for me to stay up, and that the truth will be revealed to me.

Drama drama drama.... and Taking Steps

About 3 or 4 weeks ago, I decided it was time to start being pro-active about beating my disease (diagnoses, whatever you want to call it, to me it is a sickness). I pondered it, and eventually realized that any actions still being incorporated would need to go first (as in behaviours as opposed to ways of thinking). The only behaviour still consistantly present is attention-seeking, so I decided to work on that. I started doing this by identifying ways I seek attention, situations I would be more tempted to do it in, and people I seek attention from. Now that I have identified these things, it is easier to stop myself from doing and saying things that would contribute to that behaviour. I still do it all the time (at least it seems like it to me, when I look back on my day) but little by little, I am fighting it. Old habits (this one's been going on 4 years) are hard to break, but God's grace will pull me through. I have been constantly praying for strength, and I get it.
Another part of it being so hard is that sometimes I get confused about whether or not what I'm doing really is attention-seeking or if I'm just over-analyzing (and vice-versa), but that is a whole different topic. My brain is a very confusing (and sometimes hateful) place to be.
The other part of being pro-active was something I didn't realize I needed to be mindful about until last night. Certain circumstances caused me to get very worked up and upset. I realized afterwards that the thing I was upset about in the first place was only the main cause of my angst for a few minutes. After that, my entire dramatic energy poured into hating myslef, my situation, and the fact that I have to deal with and fight something that isn't my fault. Which is a whole ton of energy. On my knees, I cried out to God and screamed at Him to please heal me (not an audible scream). I was angry from asking over and over and it feels like there is no change. I am angry because it is not my fault and it is not fair that I have to deal with this. So I screamed at God. Because I am frustrated with crying out to Him and seemingly getting no answer. And sometimes I feel so helpless.
I just want to be okay.
And this is what I need to be mindful about. Not making mountains out of molehilles; not being so dramatic; learning to take take things in stride more. Learning to calm down. Learning to breathe. Learning that not everything has to be a catastrophe.
Because the thing that got me more upset than anything was how I reacted. It was disproportionate. I reacted wrongly, and it reminded me of how wrong I am inside.
So from now on, instead of having a heart attack, I'm going to breathe. I'm going to ask myself "Am I being dramatic? Is this really that big of a deal?"
This is how I will combat the continual mental, emotional, and relational instability in my life. And it has to work, because I can't keep living like this. It's not fair to me or anyone around me. It's not okay.
And I just want to be okay.

Becoming...

There is an idea teasing my brain that I have been playing with for a few months now. There are a few women at church that I highly respect and look up to, and it is obvious to me that they are thought well of by anyone else that comes in contact with them. I recently got it into my head that I want to be like these women. This desire was solidified when I by chance read this verse:
1 Peter 3:3-5
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful.
After reading that, I began noticing ways in which I and these women were different. For instance, I am usually loud and obnoxious; they are usually quiet and graceful in their speech and actions. I usually go after all the attention I can get and tend to brag and say things to promote myself; these women are unfailingly humble and tend to lift up God and others. My motives for (I'll be honest) at least 80% of what I do are in some way or another selfish or self-serving; yet what I see consistently in these women is a joyful servant's heart.
I'll admit, these realizations instilled a little disgust in myself, but more than that, I feel awe and respect for these amazing, godly women, and I yearn whole-heartedly to ingrain these qualities in myself.
Because I know it is pleasing to God, I now aim for "the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit". Please pray for me... for wisdom in my decisions, servitude and grace in my actions, and humble and quiet words from my mouth.
Hopefully soon I can say, "This is what I am becoming....."

I'm Alive- Jeremy Camp

It's all about Attitude

I realized I've been saying "I can't" a lot lately. I've been playing into my diagnosis.
Here's the thing: I'm used to playing the victim. I'm good at it. I've been doing it for years.

I am so BORED with it.

I was thinking about my last post last night. I was thinking about the things I've been doing and saying the past few weeks. How I've been acting. The phrase "This is NOT acceptable" popped into my head in what I imagined to be a stern and overbearing mix of what my friends Brenda Ely and Toran would say.
"What am I doing?" I thought. "I am a reborn child of God; I should be ashamed of myself!" It was late at night, and now in the light of day, I feel I may have been a little harsh on myself, but I also believe it was completely warranted.
I realized that the attitude I face my difficulties with is the one thing that can allow me to get past them gracefully and stay strong in my walk with the Lord. I aslo realized that I can say either say "I can't" and continue to give myslef a pity party, saying "poor me, why does everything go wrong?" and play the victim, OR I can pick myself  up, dust myself off, and face each new thing with an attitude that says "I am a CHILD OF GOD- He loves me and He will take care of me, therefore I will follow Him with my life". Now, there very well may be some instances in which "I can't" will be true. During thise times, though, I will simply say "Maybe I can't, but my God can".
I am a child of God. I am surrounded by friends. I am loved.

Most of all,     I     am     ALIVE.

And I will be thankful with my life and the way I live it.

"I'm Alive"   Jeremy Camp
I felt so overwhelmed with guilt
I don't know how many times that I'd fight it
Well, I tried it and barely survived it

I fell in the nearest pool of shame
Took the blame and everything that surrounds it
Well, I found it and I drowned in it

Oh, I never thought I'd erase this
Or replace this feeling now
Oh, but my whole life changed
When You saved me and forgave me now

I'm alive, I'm alive like I've never been
Been revived from the lies that were deep within
It's the past now, it's the past
'Cause Christ has given life where I'll never thirst again     X2

I lost everything I had
But I'm glad 'cause I would never have found you
Well, it rings true, the words that spoke through

You've given more than I can say
And I know that I could never repay You
But I thank you, I can't wait to embrace You

Oh, I spun around for a long time
And I always felt so blind
Oh, I never thought I could feel it
Well, I feel it now

I'm alive, I'm alive like I've never been
Been revived from the lies that were deep within
It's the past now, it's the past
'Cause Christ has given life where I'll never thirst again    X2

Oh, I can feel it now every time I turn around
Knowing I have been set free from the pain and misery
Oh, I will make the most of this hope I have

I'm alive, I'm alive like I've never been
Been revived from the lies that were deep within
It's the past now, it's the past
'Cause Christ has given life where I'll never thirst again    X3

Oh, I'll never thirst again
Oh, I'll never thirst again
I'll never thirst again
I'm alive

I'm alive, I'm alive like I've never been
Been revived from the lies that were deep within
It's the past now, it's the past
'Cause Christ has given life where I'll never thirst again

I'm alive, I'm alive like I've never been
I'm alive, I'm alive like I've never been

Secrets and Regrets- Pillar