Okay, so I'm going to try to organize my thoughts. When I first wrote this, it was a very jumbled rant, and just getting my feelings out and down on paper.
Ever since Festival of Lights ended, I have felt bored and kind of sad when I'm not doing anything. I'm not even sure if that's the right way to describe it. I feel numb. I don't want to move. Or talk. Or eat, or sleep, or drink. I fight it with all of my energy. I don't dwell on the things that are bothering me (I don't address them either, and that might be part of the problem). I force myself to be interactive. Sometimes the urge to isolate overpowers me, though. And for the first time, it is a real need/want to be alone, and to get away from people, instead of wandering off to try to get people to follow, a.k.a. attention-seeking. I don't do that anymore (at least, I think I don't, I'm trying really hard not to).
There are quite a few things that are bothering me.
(1) I found out on Saturday that my aunt (my favorite aunt) has terminal cancer. They gave her 3-4 years, if all goes well.
(2) I think I'm starting to love someone. I DON'T WANT TO. I can't can't can't love someone right now.
(3) I am absolutely TERRIFIED of never acquiring the level of skill needed to play the music I hear in my head. I am afraid I will never be good enough (and that applies to more than just music).
(4) I hate my school. I almost cried getting on the bus yesterday.
(5) I am afraid I won't be able to go on the Winter Retreat, even with the scholarship (which only covers half). We simply don't have $55 (as my mother keeps telling me).
And on top of all that, I had a really bad day on Sunday, my favorite day of the week. I spilled pop all over my jeans in HSM. My toothpaste opened in my makeup bag. My (dad's) electric-acoustic stopped working, and I don't know what's wrong with it. During Missio Dei's lunch, ALL of my friends sat with my ex. I ate alone in the HSM room. Oh, and after all that, I spent almost 2 hours pretty much completely alone with a boy in the HSM room, discussing music. Which was kind of good and kind of bad. It was kind of good because he is one of the best guitarist's I know, I look up to him as a musician, and he usually never talks to me, so discussing music with him was awesome. It was kind of bad because he is the one I (think I) am starting to love, and talking to him, him identifying with me, and him treating me like I was someone worth talking to didn't help the attraction factor. In this situation, it is so WRONG for me to like him, love him, or be attracted to him.
But that's not the worst of it. That's not what is bothering me the most.
It's my music. I don't know what is wrong with me, and it's tearing me up and driving me so crazy I want to scream! I don't feel it any more. When I play, there is no joy. Just an overwhelming numbness and emptyness. I have tried forcing myself to play to reclaim the joy and peace that comes with playing. It's not coming. Sometimes I stop in the middle of a song, and stare into space for an extended period of time. I just can't keep playing. It's torture! Music is my life! It used to fill me up, and now there is nothing, I don't feel anything but hollow when I play. No love, joy, peace, excitement. I feel like my music has died somehow. I need someone to tell me what's wrong!
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1 comment:
Ugh! Sorry you are struggling with so many things right now.
I am so sorry to hear about your aunt. No one ever wants to hear about a loved one falling ill.
I have a question about your attraction/love...why do you think you might be falling in love with him? I can understand being attracted to someone and wanting to spend more time with them, but I figured actually falling in love with someone would take two...it is hard to love someone who has never loved you back to begin with. Do you like the attention he gives you? Or is it that you have some things in commong? Is it a physical thing? Sometimes we are attracted to things we can't have and since just a few short weeks ago you vowed to not date and/or spend alone time with anyone, could it be that you are attracted because he is the forbidden fruit? Obviously these are all hypothetical questions that I don't expect you to answer, but to strongly consider.
Now, as far as the music. I'm not sure what is going on there. However, I do no know that nothing can fill the spirit like the Word of God. Perhaps God is allowing you to lose your love for music only temporarily to turn your eyes on Him?
Love ya, girl! Good luck as you dig through these emotions. Praying for you.
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