Steady

Sometimes I find myself longing for tragedy. Because, in my mind, tragedy= attention. And attention= love. Screwed up, isn't it?
The thing is, I'm so used to living a crisis. For years, it was one after another, most of them of my own making. I became accustomed to it, and it got so that the down time was what I felt uncomfortable with. Any steady moment felt unnatural, and I panicked. I could elaborate on reasons why I think I did/do this, but what it comes down to is this: I am afraid that anytime something starts going right, something horrible is going to happen, because that has been my overwhelming experience. So I wreck it myself before anyone else can; by doing so I feel in control.
The most recent occasion on which I tried to do this, someone was straight with me and told me basically what I just said; that every time things start going good for me, I sabotage it. At first I was angry, mostly because this person wasn't complying with my plea for attention (which I should be used to by now). But now, more than a month later (and after lots of thought), I realize the truth of that statement.
It scares me. I have been consistantly maturing for the past year, although not without a few rough spots. Now, as I am about to head into my final year of high school, I am starting to panic. If I don't pass every class this next year, I will not be graduating. I know I can do it, but my own sin nature terrifies me, and is constantly telling me what I already *know: I'm not good enough. This feeds my fear of putting any college applications in.
I realize now that I am going to have to put all my trust in God, knowing that He will put me in whatever college He wants me to be in, one way or another.
That brings me to another point. Because of how I lived in constant state of crisis before, I do not know how to rely on God on a day-to-day basis. I'm so used to just needing Him to pull me through the tough times because, well, they were all the time. Now that my life is significantly steadier, I am having trouble being close to Him regularly. I know what to do, how to do it; I just lack the motivation without a crisis.
So that is what I had to say about being steady. That, and that I'm working on it.

Birthdays

There are 8 birthdays surrounding me from now through September (that I know of), including mine. There is my Aunt Jeannie, Angie, Lil Bug, my cousins Jessica and Jenny, Jordan's son Judah, me, and Miya.
So I will be turning 18 in 1 month and 4 days. Crazy, right? I think so. I had forgotten about it until a few days ago, at which point I panicked about how close it was and how quickly it was coming up. I have been longing for this for the past year. It marks the ownership date of many privelages and rights. Like having a driver's lisence. Being able to vote. Being able to sign a lease in my own name. Being able to own a debit/credit card. But most of all, just being an ADULT. Being free.
I am excited and terrified at the same time. As said in Spiderman "With great power comes great responsibility". I am excited that I will have the freedom to do all those things, but I am fearful of how I will handle it. I can't even remember to do my own laundry on a regular basis! The only solution (short of killing myself before I turn 18- don't worry, I won't) is to take charge of my life and throw in some discipline . It won't be easy. I'm such a lazy bones. The good thing is, I've already started. For about a week now, I've been going for a run and working out every other day, whether I want to or not. Like I said. Discipline.
The other thing I have to worry about is Miya's birthday. She's turning 2! This problem comes in two stages; first I have to work on and perfect her present, which is not going to be easy- and I have to worry about what her birthday's going to be like. I'm not going to talk about the present, since I'm fairly certain Angie will read this before next month.
Last year her birthday was great- we met at Noodles and just hung out and talked, gave our presents, and ate pasta and cake. It was a really good time. Since then, our visits have been less than the previous year, due to scheduals and what-not. Miya is very mobile and active, and is no longer in the held-all-the-time stage. These combined means that in recent visits it has felt somewhat awkward. I sit and talk to Angie, and play with Lil Bug, but there is little interaction with Miya. I don't want to force it. She doesn't know me and I don't know her. And it's not anyone's fault... but it hurts. It hurts so that I once thought to just stop trying. Not that I EVER would. But the thought did occur. Not as a plan thought, more of a feeling thought, if that makes any sense. I just want to hold her again....
Anyways, those are the great things that occupy my thoughts lately. Yay for birthdays.

Just a thought.

So I was just thinking yesterday. I was kind of down, and I thought "What is wrong with me?"
Immediately following that thought, I imagined God saying "Everything. But I love you anyways."
This is a good thing to remember. Whenever I'm down or upset, when I think or say degrading things about myself, I can remember.
He loves me anyways.

Invisible

Sometimes I feel invisible. That's why I have such a hard time not seeking attention. I feel like no one will notice me if I don't. I don't get that unsolicited love and attention from anyone. And it makes me jealous and angry and frustrated. What makes me not good enough to receive love and affection and attention? Why are my acheivements not important enough to notice and acknowledge? It's not fair. I feel like the people I want to care the most are always preoccupied with something or someone else. No one pays attention to me! No one regularly asks how I'M doing, or how MY day has been! And the one's that do ask once in a while are so used to me having issues that they don't even notice when my answer is not "Fine". That, and they just don't care.
A couple of weeks ago a girl I know turned 16. Everyone that was around celebrated with her, with cake, candles, and a huge balloon that said "Princess" on it. Don't get me wrong, she is a great girl and she deserved it, but she is also perfect; tiny figure, pretty, and poplular. Anyways, it just reminded me that I'm turning 18 in a month. And no one would ever do that for me. It never has happened, and never will. And it's frustrating sometimes. It's frustrating not being noticed just because I'm not what the world wants to see.