Becoming...

There is an idea teasing my brain that I have been playing with for a few months now. There are a few women at church that I highly respect and look up to, and it is obvious to me that they are thought well of by anyone else that comes in contact with them. I recently got it into my head that I want to be like these women. This desire was solidified when I by chance read this verse:
1 Peter 3:3-5
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful.
After reading that, I began noticing ways in which I and these women were different. For instance, I am usually loud and obnoxious; they are usually quiet and graceful in their speech and actions. I usually go after all the attention I can get and tend to brag and say things to promote myself; these women are unfailingly humble and tend to lift up God and others. My motives for (I'll be honest) at least 80% of what I do are in some way or another selfish or self-serving; yet what I see consistently in these women is a joyful servant's heart.
I'll admit, these realizations instilled a little disgust in myself, but more than that, I feel awe and respect for these amazing, godly women, and I yearn whole-heartedly to ingrain these qualities in myself.
Because I know it is pleasing to God, I now aim for "the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit". Please pray for me... for wisdom in my decisions, servitude and grace in my actions, and humble and quiet words from my mouth.
Hopefully soon I can say, "This is what I am becoming....."

I'm Alive- Jeremy Camp

It's all about Attitude

I realized I've been saying "I can't" a lot lately. I've been playing into my diagnosis.
Here's the thing: I'm used to playing the victim. I'm good at it. I've been doing it for years.

I am so BORED with it.

I was thinking about my last post last night. I was thinking about the things I've been doing and saying the past few weeks. How I've been acting. The phrase "This is NOT acceptable" popped into my head in what I imagined to be a stern and overbearing mix of what my friends Brenda Ely and Toran would say.
"What am I doing?" I thought. "I am a reborn child of God; I should be ashamed of myself!" It was late at night, and now in the light of day, I feel I may have been a little harsh on myself, but I also believe it was completely warranted.
I realized that the attitude I face my difficulties with is the one thing that can allow me to get past them gracefully and stay strong in my walk with the Lord. I aslo realized that I can say either say "I can't" and continue to give myslef a pity party, saying "poor me, why does everything go wrong?" and play the victim, OR I can pick myself  up, dust myself off, and face each new thing with an attitude that says "I am a CHILD OF GOD- He loves me and He will take care of me, therefore I will follow Him with my life". Now, there very well may be some instances in which "I can't" will be true. During thise times, though, I will simply say "Maybe I can't, but my God can".
I am a child of God. I am surrounded by friends. I am loved.

Most of all,     I     am     ALIVE.

And I will be thankful with my life and the way I live it.

"I'm Alive"   Jeremy Camp
I felt so overwhelmed with guilt
I don't know how many times that I'd fight it
Well, I tried it and barely survived it

I fell in the nearest pool of shame
Took the blame and everything that surrounds it
Well, I found it and I drowned in it

Oh, I never thought I'd erase this
Or replace this feeling now
Oh, but my whole life changed
When You saved me and forgave me now

I'm alive, I'm alive like I've never been
Been revived from the lies that were deep within
It's the past now, it's the past
'Cause Christ has given life where I'll never thirst again     X2

I lost everything I had
But I'm glad 'cause I would never have found you
Well, it rings true, the words that spoke through

You've given more than I can say
And I know that I could never repay You
But I thank you, I can't wait to embrace You

Oh, I spun around for a long time
And I always felt so blind
Oh, I never thought I could feel it
Well, I feel it now

I'm alive, I'm alive like I've never been
Been revived from the lies that were deep within
It's the past now, it's the past
'Cause Christ has given life where I'll never thirst again    X2

Oh, I can feel it now every time I turn around
Knowing I have been set free from the pain and misery
Oh, I will make the most of this hope I have

I'm alive, I'm alive like I've never been
Been revived from the lies that were deep within
It's the past now, it's the past
'Cause Christ has given life where I'll never thirst again    X3

Oh, I'll never thirst again
Oh, I'll never thirst again
I'll never thirst again
I'm alive

I'm alive, I'm alive like I've never been
Been revived from the lies that were deep within
It's the past now, it's the past
'Cause Christ has given life where I'll never thirst again

I'm alive, I'm alive like I've never been
I'm alive, I'm alive like I've never been

Secrets and Regrets- Pillar

Secrets and Regrets

I recently found out some disturbing news about myself. I'm going to say it, since I know anyone reading this most likely cares enough not to think of me differently. Over a year ago, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I didn't find out until about 3 weeks ago.
After the intitial relief at finally knowing, apprehension, turmoil, and fear invaded; feelings I am still trying to cope with. I have spent the last few weeks researching and reading about it. It explains a lot. Actually, it explains everything. The relief I felt at the beginning is now somewhat constant (unfortunately, so are the other feelings), because for years, I was so wrong. I know that's not very clear, but I can't explain it any other way. Just everything was wrong inside, and I always struggled with trying to explain it to myself and others. I never had the words. When I read the definition, it clicked. It was like someone had picked my brain out. It was ME.
Of course, the negative side of that is that it is incredibly hard not to let it define me- I already have a little bit, and it's a daily struggle.
On Sunday I was having a conversation with someone, in which I was making amends for past wrongs. As it progressed, we passed over the subject of my diagnosis. I was advised to forget about it. Sound advice. Logical. Reasonable. Yet absolutely impossible for me to do at this point. I can't explain why. This is how I am, how I have been for years. I am incapable of letting things like this go- I am literally incapable of just "forgetting about it". If I knew why, trust me, I would change in a heartbeat just to get past this.
I feel so helpless. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut, incapable of moving forward. I want to change this, but I don't know how. It's frustrating. I feel like others think "If I just put my mind to it, I could get past all this". The problem is, my MIND is what I'm trying to get past. 90% of BPD has to do with the way a person thinks.
So this is my vent of frustration as of now. I'm stuck. So if you wanted to bottle me up and stick a label on me, this song would be it at this point:
Secrets And Regrets- Pillar

no matter how hard you try to
you can't make the clock rewind to
the moment that you lied to yourself
it never really mattered how they felt

your secrets and regrets are keeping you from going very far
and you can't let all this get you down and keep you living in the dark
cause all you're looking for
is love
you're living in the dark
you just can't get enough
your secrets and regrets

your holding on to all this pain
can't seem to leave it all behind you
tomorrow it'll be today soon
don't wait until it's too late to move

your secrets and regrets are keeping you from going very far
and you can't let this get you down and keep you living in the dark
you're living in the dark
you just can't get enough
your secrets and regrets

how many times do you need second chances
not everybody gets another second chance
(how many times do you need second chances, not everybody gets another...)
...chance!
second chance

your secrets and regrets are keeping you from going very far
and you can't let all this get you down and keep you living in the dark
cause all you're looking for
is love
you're living in the dark
you just can't get enough
your secrets and regrets

no more secrets
(no regrets)
no more secrets
(no regrets)

no living in the dark x4