I don't really know how to start this, because I am just too weary (physically, emotionally, and mentally) to come up with something clever to say. I guess the point I want to start with is this:
Since August, I have been crying out to God constantly. Either He refuses to answer yet, or I just haven't heard it. The longer it takes for me to feel Him in my life, the more frustrated I get. The more broken I feel. The more it seems like my life is falling apart, and even though I'm SCREAMING at God to help me, He's letting it fall through my fingers like sand. Weekly I go home from youth group and sob so hard I get a migraine every time, and scream in my head because I hate how far away He feels during worship. I hate how broken I am; I hate how crazy I am. Any, yes, finally I'll admit it: I am ANGRY at God! I don't know how to change that. I feel like I'm getting crazier by the day, yet I don't understand why. I feel like I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing, but I'm still being ignored. I have been reading His word and praying daily, I have been consistently pursuing a relationship with Him, but I can't feel Him come near to me, now when I need Him the most. I don't know what else to do, or what I'm doing wrong. Obviously I still sin, but there's nothing I'm not working on (as far as I know).
This morning I decided to try a different approach. Instead of screaming for help on a daily basis, I am now going to assume and accept that He has heard me, and that He will answer me if I just listen. I think maybe I've been making too much noise of my own to hear what He has to say. So I will calm my spirit. I will wait for Him in quiet submission and humble silence. Please pray for me.
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It is always difficult when we experience a closesness with God beyond imagination and then we go through a period where God seems distant. We don't have the same feelings of closeness or the emotional highs and even sometimes we cannot even tell God is there. I encourage you though, that even though you cannot feel God's presence He is Here and He hears your cries. He is teaching you something right now that you or I don't understand, but someday you will. Maybe He is teaching you to wait and be patient, or maybe He is teaching you to be still and know that He is God or maybe He is just working behind the scenes in a way you can't yet see. But whatever it is, you must not forget that whether you feel it or not, God is always there. That is the truth, we, as Christians, base our lives upon and it doesn't change no matter how we feel or how tough life gets. So keep on keeping on girl! You have people praying for and with you through all of this.
I also want to share with you a story I read a long time ago that really stuck with me. I pray it will encourage you as it did me.
"The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed fervently for God to rescue him. For days he scanned the horizon for help, but his situation seemed hopeless. He eventually managed to build a small shelter out of driftwood and leaves to protect him from wind and rain and to protect the few possessions he had.
Several weeks passed, and one day while he was scavenging or food, he arrived back at the lean-to only to discover it in flames. He fell on the sand and sobbed while watching the smoke rise to the sky. The worst had now happened; he had lost what little he had.
Desperate and filled with anger, he shook his fist and screamed toward heaven, "God! How could you do this to me? I have no hope. Why don't you help me? Now I'll surely die." Exhausted, he fell asleep heavy with grief.
Early the next morning, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the island. He began waving his arms frantically, and when he saw the ship lower a small boat, he knew it had come to rescue him.
When he was finally safe and aboard the ship, he asked his rescuers, "How in the world did you know I was here?"
"We saw your smoke signal," they said."
God has promised to never abandon us. Even when things look the worst, God is often at work behind the scenes. All we need to do is trust him.
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