His Presence in My Life

Where do I start? Well, He has placed me in a school that has forced me out of my comfort zone, and made me reexamine my priorities and lifestyle. The circumstances have me on my knees daily, sometimes hourly, praying for their lifestyles and also for strength and patience for myself to love them as Christ would and shine His light for them through my actions and words (mostly my actions). Also, it has let me experience first hand (to a small degree) the difficulties and challenges of Christian martyrdom. It has made me realize that I want to make a difference for Christ, not just try to get through life living the easy (fake) Christian lifestyle. It has also made realize that to do that, I have to be very very careful about the way I live my life.

He is teaching me to love those who hate me, and to love without judging (it’s not easy). He is teaching me that if I smile, I soon start to feel happy, and if I smile enough, it grows and grows, and I find that I can’t force my face back into a frown even if I want to (which I don’t). He is teaching me that love is patient, kind, and unfailing (1 Corinthians 13:4-8). He is teaching me to respond to persecution not with anger, but with love (1 John 4:7-8, 1 John 4:20). He is teaching me silence (Proverbs 29:11). He is teaching me not to judge (John 7:24). He is teaching me that I will always find strength and courage in Christ (2 Chronicles 32:7-8, Matthew 14:27, Hebrews 3:6). He is teaching me respect (Leviticus 19:3). He is teaching me the meaning of faith (Galatians 2:20, 1 Peter 1:6-9).

I maintain my relationship with Christ through doing daily devotionals. I study his word daily. Several times a day I am forced to my knees (figuratively and sometimes literally) in prayer. I try to make all of my decisions based on What Would Jesus Do? (I know it’s cliché, but it works for me, I’ve actually been trying to find a bracelet that says that, no luck yetL). I carry my Bible with me absolutely everywhere, along with a small paperback book called Armed and Dangerous- Straight Answers from the Bible that is filled with tons of helpful verses on dozens of topics relevant to today’s teens. It feels like I am constantly opening one of them, either for answers for others, or (more often) for answers and encouragement for myself. I have regular theological discussions (after school, of course) with one of my teachers that used to go to Calvary. I have been throwing myself into serving (see first page). I have at least 10 people that I have asked to help keep me accountable in everything that I do, and I know they will. Every time I am outside, I admire God’s beautiful creation. I smile at strangers to try to make their day brighter. I don’t watch unGodly movies, or listen to unGodly music. I stop myself from hearing gossip and slander by listening to praise and worship music on my CD player when the teachers aren’t talking, and the teachers are okay with that.

And finally, amazingly, wonderfully, for the first time in my (new) life, I feel like I am really living the life of a Jesus Freak! To quote Sunday’s video, I wake up every morning and I am so on fire for God that I feel like I am going to burst into flames! It’s as if my blood has been replaced by the Holy Spirit, and my heart is pumping it through my veins every second! It’s like being struck by lightning every morning, because I wake up and think ‘YES! I get to live today for God!’! This is my life how I have always wanted it to be, and I’m not going to let it change!

I was going to use this for my Gathering Worship Band audition form thingy, until I decided that this was not the year for me to do it, for obvious reasons of busyness.

Why do I still feel this way.....?

Slightly bitter, but more sad

I am feeling like this for quite a few reasons. One of them is that when I brought Miya to church with me before the placement, it was announced that one of our leaders had her baby. Do not get me wrong, I am happy for her. But at the same time, there I was, sitting in the back of the room holding my daughter, thinking "HEY! WHAT ABOUT ME?!?!?".
How insensitive can people be?!?! Just because I'm not married does NOT make my daughter any less of a miracle! And me? I chose life for her, and a family, didn't I? I made the right choice, and even though people tell me privately "Oh, you're so brave, you're such a hero", is it wrong for me to want a little bit of attention? To want this life that I brought into the world to be publicly celebrated? Like it is with everyone else who is not in my situation?



This is a post from a long time ago from my other blog (my birth mom's blog), and unfortunately, now that I have read it over again, I find that I still feel the same way about that situation. I have tried to forget about it, and most of the time I do, but every once in a while, it pops back into my head, and the more I think about it, the more irritated I get. I think part of the problem is that I never resolved it with any of the people (leaders) that I was mad at. Maybe if I try to do that, I will get some closure, and it will stop making me so angry...
On the other hand, I am afraid that I will get talked down, and it will still not get resolved. One of the people I am irritated with because of this is a very difficult person... most of the time I love him to death, but there are other times... when I could really just strangle him. Which is why part of me just wants to let it lie...

I don't know what to do... thoughts? Advice? If you know who I'm talking about, what would you do? Please leave me a comment, this has been an ongoing irritant for over a year now, and I really just want to stop thinking about it.

The Honor Academy

As many of you already know, I have often expressed my interest in attending the Honor Academy, whose main campus is in Texas (yeah, I know, that's pretty far from Michigan).I added a link to their website. I also added a link to Google maps from my house to HA. It is precisely 1,072 miles, which amounts to 16 hours and 48 minutes in time. Of course, that's not including stops to sleep, eat, and use the restroom. Yes, I know what you are all thinking... I'm still at least 2 years from graduating high school. But that doesn't mean I can't plan, hope, dream, and most importantly, pray, right? Which is what I have been doing. Everyday. I do not yet know a lot of what I would do if I end up going. These are the things I am unsure about (if I go):

1. Travel there:
   

• Driving alone
• Pros- more time to pray and spend with God, complete solitude for the longest period of time in my life, peaceful
  
• Cons- could get very lonely, possibility of insanity
• Driving with a friend
• Pros- would be lots of fun, wouldn't get lonely
• Cons- could get sick of each other, no alone time, how would they get back
  
• Driving with my little brother
• Pros- quality time with my little bro, could have so much fun, could strengthen our relationship, a great memory to look back on with him
• Cons- lots of responsibility on my part to take care of him (which I really wouldn't mind), could get annoying, could be a bad trip if he didn't behave, he could get bored

(I am highly considering taking my little brother, he would be about 13 1/2, and I think we would have a great time. I would raise the money to send him home on a plane. Also, if I did that, I would still have a ton of time to spend with God on the drive home for holidays.)

2. Going home for the holidays: (keep in mind, I don't know yet if I would even be allowed to go home for the holidays)

• Yes
• Pros- being with family, seeing my friends, seeing my daughter, going to my normal church, seeing my youth pastor
• Cons- expensive
• No
• Pros- spending time with peers, building stronger bonds with them, a complete oasis with God completely devoting the entire time to Him without breaks (I don't know if I explained that right...)
• Cons- loneliness for my family, friends, and home church, won't see my daughter

I will probably add more later.

This is the list of things I would need:

• Lots of money saved up (obviously), or a scholarship (in which case I would still need lots of money saved up for other expenses)
  
• A car
• A laptop
• Probably some new clothes that fit
• Cell phone
  

Sticks And Stones Can Break My Bones, But Words Will Only Make Me Hold On Harder To My God (just try to take me down, I dare you)

So, once again, I am writing to you about the school situation. It seems that the same girl from the previous post has been recruiting... there are now 2-3 girls that find it hilarious to spout off "Jewish pimp" "Jesus was a pimp" or "Jesus was a Jewish pimp" when ever they are in the vicinity of me. I have been doing very well ignoring them. I don't even scowl. I force myself to keep my expression calm, and I act like I don't hear them. I have considered telling the principle, but I will not give them the satisfaction of thinking that they got to me. Therefore, this is all I will say for now:

"Revolution"

If I'm here all alone
If I'm left behind
If they spit in my face
If they hate my kind

I will rise above
I will live for love
I will answer to the call
For the bond between
For the depth unseen
For my God forsake it all

'Cause I'm a fire
I'm a flood
I'm a revolution
I am a war
Already won
I'm a revolution

When the world is at war
When the grace is gone
When the hungry lay dead
While the rich live on

Here I stand
Open hands
Waiting for You
I won't back down
I'll live to speak Your truth

"Jesus Freak"

[What will people think
when they hear that I’m a Jesus freak?
What will people do
when they find that’s its true? ]

Separated, I cut myself clean
From a past that comes back in my darkest of dreams
Been apprehended by a spiritual force
And a grace that replaced all the me I’ve divorced

I saw a man with tat on his big fat belly
It wiggled around like marmalade jelly
It took me a while to catch what it said
Cause I had to match the rhythm
Of his belly with my head
Jesus saves is what it raved in a typical tattoo green
He stood on a box in the middle of the city
And claimed he had a dream

(chorus)
What will people think
When they hear that I’m a Jesus freak
What will people do when they find that its true
I don’t really care if they label me a Jesus freak
There aint no disguising the truth

Kamikaze, my death is gain
I’ve been marked by my maker
A peculiar display
The high and lofty, they see me as weak
Cause I wont live and die for the power they seek

There was a man from the desert with naps in his head
The sand that he walked was also his bed
The words that he spoke made the people assume
There wasn’t too much left in the upper room
With skins on his back and hair on his face
They thought he was strange by the locusts he ate
The Pharisees tripped when they heard him speak
Until the king took the head of this Jesus freak

(repeat chorus 2x)

People say I’m strange, does it make me a stranger
That my best friend was born in a manger
People say I’m strange, does it make me a stranger
That my best friend was born in a manger

(repeat chorus 2x)

What will people think
[what will people think]
What will people do
[what will people do]
I don’t really care
[what else can I say]
There aint no disguising the truth
[Jesus is the way]

I shall love my enemies...

I have maybe two friends at school. One for sure, but the rest... I don't want to say they are all my enemies, but they are surely not my friends. Quite a few people have already expressed their disgust in me because of my faith. One girl in particular was recently talking to a group of people in the lunch line about how (she thinks) Jesus was a "pimp". I turned around and proclaimed for all to hear that JESUS WAS SINLESS. She looked at me with hatred distorting her face, and said "No, Jesus was a pimp."
For a few seconds I struggled with what to do, but decided on keeping quiet. I knew that starting an argument would not have been Christ-like. But I was angry. Strangely, though, sadness was the dominant emotion, not anger. I ate my lunch in silence (alone, as usual), fighting back tears and wondering if I had done the right thing. I decided to call my youth pastor on the office phone, and I told him what happened. The tears came out as I tried to explain how sad I felt for Jesus. My pastor assured me that I had done the right thing in walking away. He prayed for me, and we ended the call. I felt immense peace when we said the word "Amen".
The next class went without incident, but then that same girl came to me, and with all the disgust and condescension she could muster in her face and voice, she said "You're weird." I walked away. I was getting ready to walk home (there were still two classes left in the day), tears streaming down my face, when I stopped myself and thought. If I let them know that they can get to me like that, they will keep doing it. Also, if I give up because of something so simple and stupid, how is that representing Jesus? So I wiped my tears, bowed my head, and prayed, right there in the middle of the hall. And I let Jesus be my strength. I'm so grateful no students saw my weakness.
Then, this morning on the bus, the same girl, once again, started talking about how Jesus was a pimp. She knew I could hear her, and I think she did it to try to antagonize me. I ignored her. I started thinking about how alone I am at this school. I think I am the only Christian here, except certain teachers. Since it is illegal for teachers to discuss their faith with students during school, I have often stayed after school later (since I walk home anyways) to talk to them. With one teacher in particular, it always turns into a theological discussion, which I love, because I don't get those very often. (He also shares the same views about Rob Bell as me).
Anyways, as I was thinking about being alone in my faith, the song Whispers in the Dark by Skillet came on my CD Player. These are the lyrics:

Despite the lies that you're making
Your love is mine for the taking
My love is just waiting
To turn your tears to roses

Despite the lies that you're making
Your love is mine for the taking
My love is just waiting
To turn your tears to roses

I will be the one that's gonna hold you
I will be the one that you run to
My love is a burning, consuming fire

No, you'll never be alone
When darkness comes I'll light the night with stars
Hear my whispers in the dark
No, you'll never be alone
When darkness comes you know I'm never far
Hear the whispers in the dark
Whispers in the dark

You feel so lonely and ragged
You lay there broken and naked
My love is just waiting
To clothe you in crimson roses

I will be the one that's gonna find you
I will be the one that's gonna guide you
My love is a burning, consuming fire

No, you'll never be alone
When darkness comes I'll light the night with stars
Hear my whispers in the dark
No, you'll never be alone
When darkness comes you know I'm never far
Hear the whispers in the dark

No, you'll never be alone
When darkness comes I'll light the night with stars
Hear the whispers in the dark
No, you'll never be alone
When darkness comes you know I'm never far
Hear the whispers in the dark
Whispers in the dark
Whispers in the dark
Whispers in the dark

So I picked my head up, looked towards the sky, and prayed. Just a few minutes ago, I looked in my book Armed and Dangerous: Straight Answers from the Bible. I looked up "enemies". This is what I found:

Proverbs 16:7
When a man's ways are pleasing to the LORD,
he makes even his enemies live at peace with him.

Romans 12:17-19
Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord.

Luke 6:28-29
bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic.

Matthew 5:43-44
"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,

Luke 6:37
"Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

Hebrews 13:6
So we say with confidence,
"The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"

Deuteronomy 28:7
The LORD will grant that the enemies who rise up against you will be defeated before you. They will come at you from one direction but flee from you in seven.

Psalm 60:12
With God we will gain the victory, and he will trample down our enemies.

Psalm 97:10
Let those who love the LORD hate evil, for he guards the lives of his faithful ones and delivers them from the hand of the wicked.

TO ALL THOSE WHO HATE ME, I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU. TO ALL THOSE WHO SIN AGAINST ME, I WILL ALWAYS FORGIVE YOU. THAT BEING SAID..... I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY ABOUT ME, BUT DO NOT INSULT, MY GOD, MY BEST FRIEND.

Love,
Sirhk

I'm not trying to be a hero...

3:30pm Anonymous

Hey Nicole! How are you?

3:32pm Nicole

I’m good, you?

3:32pm Anonymous

I’m doing well. No complaints lol.

How’s school going?

3:33pm Nicole

It’s pretty good, really easy, if you're talking about the curriculum

3:34pm Anonymous

That’s good. Is it really boring then or is it still interesting even though it's easy? And are you at Northpointe again?

3:35pm Nicole

No, I’m at Northview alternative, yeah, it’s still interesting, but mostly I like talking to the teachers, the kids there are really.... how to put it.... um

Well, most of them are drug- addicts or sluts or both, they make fun of God/ Jesus, and me, everyday,

Because of my faith, I have been very open about my relationship w/ Jesus, and they condemn me for it. But I am trying my very very best to just love them like Jesus would and be a witness to them

3:38pm Nicole

Oh, sorry, that was kind of a lot to dump on you, lol

3:40pm Anonymous

Wow. That’s sounds really tough but I’m so proud of you. I hope this will really equip you to do what God has in store for you. Don’t you want to do something in ministry? Though hard this will inevitably be something that will hopefully enable you to be incredibly effective and powerful doing God's work. I’ll definitely be praying for you.

And don't worry about it.

But I’m so glad that you feel strong enough to stand up for who you are and what you believe in. those kids needs God's light in a very real way

And I firmly believe that you are that light to them everyday

3:41pm Nicole

Wow, how did you know, I have wanted to be in youth ministry and be a part time missionary ever since I got saved

Lol, thanks

I’m trying

3:45pm Anonymous

Well I think you shared some of those thoughts with me this summer. But yeah... as much as it is hard and I can't even begin to understand it all and the pain and hurt that you might feel, I don't believe that you are there for no reason. I know that God has a reason for you to be there - and it may be so that you can be God's light to all those students there. And also so that you can take those experiences with you and hopefully be better prepared to work with kids in similar situations later

3:46pm Nicole

Yeah, it’s going to be a great year, I can really feel God's Holy Spirit in me! Have you read my note? Read it, it will explain a lot :)

3:47pm Anonymous

I’ll do that! I’m so happy for you. I'm really praying for you.

3:50pm Nicole

Thank you :) I appreciate it

3:53pm Nicole

http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=82142355077&id=550330435&index=0

3:53pm Anonymous

Thanks!

3:55pm Anonymous

Nicole that's really awesome! Keep it up and God will definitely do awesome things through you as he is doing right now. You are an encouragement to me!

4:04pm Nicole

:D

4:05pm Nicole

Thanks... you have no idea how happy that makes me, I never thought I’d be an encouragement to someone just because of that :P

4:06pm Anonymous

It is an encouragement. It’s awesome to see someone with awesome ambition for Christ.

4:06pm Nicole

Aww, you are going to make me cry :)

4:07pm Anonymous

Oh don't do that. But stay strong girl. And live out your faith. Pray daily. And know that people care

4:08pm Nicole

I do :D

I'm not trying to be a hero or anything; I’m just trying to live my live for God the best way I know how

4:10pm Anonymous

And I really hope you keep that in mind. It’s not about you. It’s about God and the work he has for you. That’s one thing I’m working on too.... it's never about me. It’s always about others.

That was a convo with my friend, i think it explains a lot.

Love,
Sirhk