Monday night I had a dream that I got married to my ex boyfriend. It was, by far, the best dream I have ever had. I saw him the next day and we had a short conversation for the first time in 3 years. I know he will never see this, so I don't mind saying on here that it made me miss him and that connection. He has a different girlfriend now, and I have moved on and healed from that relationship, but that doesn't mean I'm not nostalgic about it every once in a while. Actually, what I miss most is the friendship that we had even before we were going out.
I just read on facebook that my ex best friend is engaged. I introduced her to her fiance, but I doubt I'll get an invite to the wedding.
I'll be 20 this summer. My daughter will be 9 months old then. When everyone else is getting married and going to school, I am taking care of a newborn. I would choose my daughter over a man every single time, obviously, and I love her so much. I just can't help but wonder when someone will propose to me? Or even ask me out? How many guys would not feel awkward about me bringing my baby with me on a date? I'm willing to wait, because I know I deserve to be valued. I know I deserve to be in relationships (friendships and otherwise) with people that treat me with respect, as an equal, not with people that look down on me as if they know better than I do (hence my "ex best friend").
Being a mother, I feel more like myself than at any other time in my life. I feel more whole, if that makes sense, as if this is what I was meant to do, to be. I have been forming new friendships lately, with the women in my MOPS group and people in the college group at church. It feels good to be in relationship with people that support me and respect me as an equal, no matter what the age difference. I guess my point in all of this is that I deserve more than what I was getting before, in reference to how people treat me, and that I will no longer tolerate being treated badly to keep the good parts of a relationship.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Someone- a peer- told me I was their role model the other day. As you can imagine, I was baffled, and a little shocked! When I asked her why, she said, "Because throughout everything you have shown such strength and such courage and you really inspired me to become a better person. I was kind of going through a scary time in the beginning of the college thing, and I thought of you and your mountains of strength and courage, and those thoughts made me feel better and made me think "Hey, if she can do it, I can do it.""
I have always considered myself a strong person. I have always been, and will probably always be, stubborn, hard-headed, strong-willed, and strong-hearted; and those are qualities I am proud to have.
I have always considered myself a strong person. I have always been, and will probably always be, stubborn, hard-headed, strong-willed, and strong-hearted; and those are qualities I am proud to have.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Moving on
Why is it so taboo to say you miss someone no longer in your life, or a moment gone too quickly? I guess I'm feeling nostalgic; two of the people that I've felt the closest to in the past how ever many years... well, I feel life urging me to let them go and move on. I will miss them, and though their influence on my life will not be nearly the same, I hope it will still be there in small remnants of what I was used to. They were the ones who've loved me, and told me so; and because of that (and life experiences), I clung to them like a person dying of thirst to a glass of water. They cared about me in ways that I needed (although not always necessarily ways that I wanted).
I feel sorry in one aspect; that I will never truly be able to express the depth of my gratitude or what they mean to me. I believe that it is time for me to move on, and because I believe that, there is peace. I feel ready... which is leaps and bounds away from just a year ago, when I frequently panicked at the idea of them not being in my life. I know now that this is normal and healthy. Leaving people in the seasons they were meant for, instead of dragging them along behind... it's life. But there is some sadness. Enough so that I can justify saying a heartfelt "I will miss you" when the time comes.
I feel sorry in one aspect; that I will never truly be able to express the depth of my gratitude or what they mean to me. I believe that it is time for me to move on, and because I believe that, there is peace. I feel ready... which is leaps and bounds away from just a year ago, when I frequently panicked at the idea of them not being in my life. I know now that this is normal and healthy. Leaving people in the seasons they were meant for, instead of dragging them along behind... it's life. But there is some sadness. Enough so that I can justify saying a heartfelt "I will miss you" when the time comes.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
Thoughts on being pregnant...
Just some things I've noticed the past few weeks:
I have reclaimed my childhood habit of dumping out the Frosted Mini-Wheats and picking out the most frosted ones to put in my bowl. Then after all the decently frosted ones are gone (which is about half the box), I have no desire to eat the rest.
I am not yet showing, which is something I consider a blessing from God, and my belly fat, especially since I am almost 5 months (I am 18 weeks)!
My ultrasound is scheduled for two weeks from yesterday, so Thursday, July 8th. I am getting very anxious to see the creepy/adorable little outline of my baby, and find out the sex (even though I am almost positive it's a boy). Speaking of boys, I have narrowed down the first name for that gender to Gabriel.
The mood swings that are typical to pregnancy, not to mention my everyday life (it's so fun being me), or as I like to refer to it, pregnancy insanity, have been manageable and almost nonexistent since I started taking that blessed little blue pill, Prozac.
I am getting quite irritated with people constantly asking me if I am going to keep this baby. SO STOP! As of right now, the answer is YES, THIS BABY IS MINE FOREVER. Also, I couldn't care less about your opinions or advice, since this decision is going to affect the rest of MY life (and of course, the baby's), NOT yours, so stay out of it! Yeah, you can say you only have my and my baby's best interest at heart, but that's a poor excuse, and I don't want to hear it, because it's like saying that I DON'T have our best interests at heart. Which leads me to say HOW DARE YOU. (To those of you reading this who have been nothing but supportive, this is not aimed towards you, it is a rant of emotions that I have bottled up towards people that think it is okay to question my sanity/responsibility/maturity/ability to be a good mother (this last one irks me the most, because anyone who knows anything about me knows I am going to be a GREAT mom.), and think it is okay to tell me how to live my life, as if they know how to do that better than me.)
One of the reasons I feel that parenting is the right way to go this time, is that I actually FEEL like a mother this time. When I was pregnant with Miya, I was completely at peace with my decision to relinquish her for adoption; also, I felt very little motherly instinct towards her before and after she was born. Don't get me wrong, I love her very much; she is my daughter. But somehow, my heart always knew that I was not her mother. This time, however, I am so in tune with my motherly instinct that just the thought of seeing my baby for the first time brings me to tears.
I have also given some significant thought to how I am going to raise this child, and I have come to the conclusion that there are two things I have deemed absolutely necessary to my child's life: unconditional love, and God. This being said, I know I already have the unconditional love part covered. I feel as if my heart would burst if there was any more love in it for this child inside of me. I know that I want to implement God into my child's life from the day he (ore she) is born (through praying out loud with him, bringing him to church, reading the Bible to him, and so on), but is has occurred to me that I need to get my own spiritual life on track long before I try to start sharing it with my child. I'm not really sure how to do that, but I am trying, by praying, reading my Bible, going to church, and writing in my prayer journal. Admittedly, I have not been doing this on a regular basis like I know I should be, and I think that is due to the most disturbing part of my lack of relationship with God so far; my once fiery passion for God has been nonexistent the past few months. It's like in that song "Rediscover You":
I need to just admit
My faith is paper thin
I'm feeling so burned out
On religion
I say an empty prayer
I sing a tired song
I need to just admit
That the passion's gone
And I want to get it back...
Anyways, I'm tired and hungry (I can literally feel my blood sugar dropping), and I have a friend's open house tonight, so that's all I have to say for now. I will try to update regularly, and I know for sure that I will after my ultrasound. Until then, please pray for me, my baby, and my spiritual life.
I have reclaimed my childhood habit of dumping out the Frosted Mini-Wheats and picking out the most frosted ones to put in my bowl. Then after all the decently frosted ones are gone (which is about half the box), I have no desire to eat the rest.
I am not yet showing, which is something I consider a blessing from God, and my belly fat, especially since I am almost 5 months (I am 18 weeks)!
My ultrasound is scheduled for two weeks from yesterday, so Thursday, July 8th. I am getting very anxious to see the creepy/adorable little outline of my baby, and find out the sex (even though I am almost positive it's a boy). Speaking of boys, I have narrowed down the first name for that gender to Gabriel.
The mood swings that are typical to pregnancy, not to mention my everyday life (it's so fun being me), or as I like to refer to it, pregnancy insanity, have been manageable and almost nonexistent since I started taking that blessed little blue pill, Prozac.
I am getting quite irritated with people constantly asking me if I am going to keep this baby. SO STOP! As of right now, the answer is YES, THIS BABY IS MINE FOREVER. Also, I couldn't care less about your opinions or advice, since this decision is going to affect the rest of MY life (and of course, the baby's), NOT yours, so stay out of it! Yeah, you can say you only have my and my baby's best interest at heart, but that's a poor excuse, and I don't want to hear it, because it's like saying that I DON'T have our best interests at heart. Which leads me to say HOW DARE YOU. (To those of you reading this who have been nothing but supportive, this is not aimed towards you, it is a rant of emotions that I have bottled up towards people that think it is okay to question my sanity/responsibility/maturity/ability to be a good mother (this last one irks me the most, because anyone who knows anything about me knows I am going to be a GREAT mom.), and think it is okay to tell me how to live my life, as if they know how to do that better than me.)
One of the reasons I feel that parenting is the right way to go this time, is that I actually FEEL like a mother this time. When I was pregnant with Miya, I was completely at peace with my decision to relinquish her for adoption; also, I felt very little motherly instinct towards her before and after she was born. Don't get me wrong, I love her very much; she is my daughter. But somehow, my heart always knew that I was not her mother. This time, however, I am so in tune with my motherly instinct that just the thought of seeing my baby for the first time brings me to tears.
I have also given some significant thought to how I am going to raise this child, and I have come to the conclusion that there are two things I have deemed absolutely necessary to my child's life: unconditional love, and God. This being said, I know I already have the unconditional love part covered. I feel as if my heart would burst if there was any more love in it for this child inside of me. I know that I want to implement God into my child's life from the day he (ore she) is born (through praying out loud with him, bringing him to church, reading the Bible to him, and so on), but is has occurred to me that I need to get my own spiritual life on track long before I try to start sharing it with my child. I'm not really sure how to do that, but I am trying, by praying, reading my Bible, going to church, and writing in my prayer journal. Admittedly, I have not been doing this on a regular basis like I know I should be, and I think that is due to the most disturbing part of my lack of relationship with God so far; my once fiery passion for God has been nonexistent the past few months. It's like in that song "Rediscover You":
I need to just admit
My faith is paper thin
I'm feeling so burned out
On religion
I say an empty prayer
I sing a tired song
I need to just admit
That the passion's gone
And I want to get it back...
Anyways, I'm tired and hungry (I can literally feel my blood sugar dropping), and I have a friend's open house tonight, so that's all I have to say for now. I will try to update regularly, and I know for sure that I will after my ultrasound. Until then, please pray for me, my baby, and my spiritual life.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Philippians 1: 18b-20
Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death
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