Voices

He has such a beautiful smile
What a wonderful laugh.
So perfect and unique
I could just bask in it.
Imagining his laugh, his smile
Makes my heart hot with joy
Yet shatters it instantly, continuously.

I heard his voice last night. Twice. Twice he called my name. And that was all. It nearly gave me a heart attack. I'm saying I heard an out loud, audible voice. And it was his, saying my name.

Now we already know I'm crazy. I have bipolar and major depressive disorder, along with some pretty bad anxiety. I don't need to add hearing voices to my list of insanities. 

And the worst part? I want more than anything to hear him again.

The One That Got Away

Tell me that I am loved
Tell me what I'm dreaming of
And I'll tell you I'll be the love of your life
And I'll tell you there's no guilt in this life
     And we can be together
     If only just forever
     And we will be the martyrs
     For, for, for love
It's not an easy break
The hurt spills, overtakes
And I'll be the one that got away
And I'll be your biggest mistake
     And I wish we'd be together
     If only just forever
     And we will dance tonight
     And then say our goodbyes.

Grief

Something my pastor said last Sunday has been sticking in my mind. He was giving a sermon on how to recognize a true friend, and friend that is a gift from God, closer than a brother. He said, "Blood may be thicker than water, but spirit is thicker than blood." What he meant was that although the world says that family is supposed to be your #1, there are some relationships that are greater still because of the presence of the Holy Spirit and the kinship that comes from being brothers and sisters in Christ. These are people you would lay your life down for, even if it meant choosing them over a family member that you may have less of a relationship with.
A few people came to mind during this sermon. One was my best friend Laura. Two were my aunts. The other was the man I asked to marry me 4 months ago.
I'll start with Laura. She is incredible. As far as friends go, she is the best I could ever ask for. She fits me perfectly. Which is why I was very sad when she moved to North Dakota. Grievance #1.
Back in August, my favorite aunt lost her battle with cancer and went home. Almost two months later, another aunt died unexpectedly of an overdose.
Grievances #2 and #3.
And the worst one of all. The man. Our spirits were knit together; at least, that's what it felt like. For 6 years we were friends closer than family. The only person I would choose over him is my daughter. Hands down. No one else would make the cut. Which is why this grief is the worst. I loved him for 6 years and never said anything; until 4 months ago. Unfortunately, he already had a fiance when I revealed my feelings; consequently, we can no longer have contact with each other. I understand her point of view, I really do, but I don't think she understands mine. Not that she needs to. I've accepted the fact that he chose her over me. What I haven't accepted is that I'll likely never see nor speak to him again. He knew my soul. I'm afraid I'll never find that again. And that is the worst grief of all. This soul-wrenching pain; I love him more fully and more deeply than I ever could explain or express. 
There is no healing for me in this. Not in this season. This season is for me to grieve, so please let me. Don't ask me if I'm ok, because I'm not. Don't tell me it's for the best, because I"ll punch you. And don't try to make me feel better, because I don't want to.

Come Wake Me Up- Rascal Flatts

This song completely sums up my life right now.

Letter from a Broken Heart

Why did I have to fall in love with you?!? It isn't fair to have to love someone I cant have, and now I've lost every part of you. All I have left of you is Hugs. I can feel my heart breaking. Actually, it's more of a ripping, tearing feeling. It's like my heart is so full of love mixed with hurt and regret that it can't hold it all and is breaking at the seams. I miss you more than I can bear.
I have to believe that I will someday be healed from this, but in this moment, right now, I can't see past my hurt to what might be, when things might be better. I wrote you letter and told you I was fine and had moved on. You told me I had to let you go, and I told you I did. But that was a lie; I believed it at the time because I had been squashing my true feelings. The unrelenting angst, jealousy, anger, sorrow, and bitterness.
I'm done crying for the moment, but these feelings don't just go away on their own. How can I let you go?!? I loved you for 6 YEARS, and I still do. I think I always will, in a way.

Little Dancer

My daughter had her first dance class on Saturday, my gift to her for her 2nd birthday. Although she didn't follow directions very well, she had a lot of fun and did well with the other kids.
I am beyond proud to be able and willing to give this gift to her. I never had anything like this growing up, accept for karate, and that lasted only a few months. I wish my parents had cared enough about my development to put me in these types of classes long term. For instance, I always wished I had taken piano, and I plan on starting piano lessons for G when she turns 5. I will start giving her guitar lessons in the next year or so.
I guess the best any of us can do is to do better than our parents did. I want G to have these skills and the work ethic the classes provide as she grows and matures into a girl, a tween, and a young lady. I believe they are skills she will treasure for the rest of her life. Happy birthday beautiful girl!

This is a project I wanted to do to get the dark side of my life out in a positive, constructive way. You can interpret this however you want. The main theme is that life is worth it, even in the darkest places.

And recently...

Hello again. Yes, I'm back. I don't think anyone reads this, so I guess it doesn't really matter. 

I've been spending a lot of time with one of my best friends lately. We've been considering dating each other. He's really sweet, makes me laugh, and is great with my daughter. I feel like God has been prompting me to open my mind to the possibility that he could be the one. I have been hesitant about this, for a number of reasons: one, I was recently fooled into thinking I had found the "one" when it turned out he only wanted one thing; two, I don't want to mess up our great friendship; and three, our political views do not seem to mesh, although we haven't talked about them in depth yet. 

On another note, Ginny is going to be 2 next weekend! Omgoodness, that makes me feel old! She has really blossomed into a wonderful, beautiful, intelligent little girl. She has soft brown curly hair, big chocolate brown eyes, and a smile that's contagious as well as mischievous.

That's it for now. I'll try to post more often.