Steady

Sometimes I find myself longing for tragedy. Because, in my mind, tragedy= attention. And attention= love. Screwed up, isn't it?
The thing is, I'm so used to living a crisis. For years, it was one after another, most of them of my own making. I became accustomed to it, and it got so that the down time was what I felt uncomfortable with. Any steady moment felt unnatural, and I panicked. I could elaborate on reasons why I think I did/do this, but what it comes down to is this: I am afraid that anytime something starts going right, something horrible is going to happen, because that has been my overwhelming experience. So I wreck it myself before anyone else can; by doing so I feel in control.
The most recent occasion on which I tried to do this, someone was straight with me and told me basically what I just said; that every time things start going good for me, I sabotage it. At first I was angry, mostly because this person wasn't complying with my plea for attention (which I should be used to by now). But now, more than a month later (and after lots of thought), I realize the truth of that statement.
It scares me. I have been consistantly maturing for the past year, although not without a few rough spots. Now, as I am about to head into my final year of high school, I am starting to panic. If I don't pass every class this next year, I will not be graduating. I know I can do it, but my own sin nature terrifies me, and is constantly telling me what I already *know: I'm not good enough. This feeds my fear of putting any college applications in.
I realize now that I am going to have to put all my trust in God, knowing that He will put me in whatever college He wants me to be in, one way or another.
That brings me to another point. Because of how I lived in constant state of crisis before, I do not know how to rely on God on a day-to-day basis. I'm so used to just needing Him to pull me through the tough times because, well, they were all the time. Now that my life is significantly steadier, I am having trouble being close to Him regularly. I know what to do, how to do it; I just lack the motivation without a crisis.
So that is what I had to say about being steady. That, and that I'm working on it.

That's something God saved me from...

A few nights ago as I was falling asleep, my mind began to wander (as it often does). I began to think about what life would be like after high school. I don't know what I will be doing, and the future is very confusing as of right now, but I do know one thing for sure. I want to be involved in Youth Ministry. I can't be a part of High School Ministries until I've been out of high school for a couple years, but someone suggested to me recently that Middle School Ministries might be the thing for me until then. I like the idea, but I have no idea if it's what God wants me to do, so until then, I'm trying not to make any plans and/or set my heart on anything.

But as my mind was doing it's wandering thing, and I thought about being a part of MSM, I started to think about the type of role model I would be. Which led me to think about the questions I would get if I ever wore short sleeves around the students. Rest assured there are no new scars in the making, and there never will be again, but the old ones are still there, and mostly very obvious. The part that worries me is, how would I explain that to a middle schooler adequitely? As I was thinking about this, the words popped into my head, "That is something God saved me from". And maybe I would have to explain a little more in depth, but when I thought that, it seemed right.

But then I thought about Miya and Lil Bug. Would I say the same thing to them, when they are old enough to understand? Would it still be adequite to use that form of explanation for the ones I love? How much deeper will I have to explain? I don't know.
For now I am satisfied with the response God has given me. When the time comes to tell the girls (which may not be for a very long time), I'm sure He will provide me with what to say, whether different from the above or not.

It's gonna be a great year...

I'm going to start off by listing things of a sinful nature that could possibly lead to my destruction throughout the course of this year. Cigarettes. Drugs. Alchohol. Sex. Blasphemy. Taking God's name in vain. Swearing. Skipping class. Cutting or other bodily harm. Lying. Stealing. Ungodly music.
Now that they are listed, I am announcing to the whole world (or at least my blog readers) that I DENOUNCE ALL OF THESE IN THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST MY LORD AND SAVIOR, SATAN YOU WILL NOT BRING ME DOWN!!!
That being said, I want everyone who reads this who knows me to hold me accountable no matter what!
Unfortunately, I know myself better than anyone, so I know that simply denouncing theses things is not enough. Therefore, the following is my current plan of action to keep me close to God throughout the school year (and hopefully the rest of my life).

1. I have 3 parts in my church's Christmas Festival of Lights play, which is a Christian adaption of Scrooge. This means A LOT of rehearsals.
2. I have volunteered for 4 different things through my church. (A) I will be a special needs buddy for our Special Treasures ministry (which is for children) once a month on Sunday mornings, which means just being an extra set of hands to push a wheelchair, to keep the child company, to play with them, and to love on them. (B) I will be a Children's Program Coordinator at Iglesia Emanuel, which means I will plan activities for children ages 3-10 during Sunday evening worship service, and that is twice a month. (C) I will be an Operation Christmas Child Helper, which means I will assist the project director with details communicating, distributing and collecting shoeboxes, and that is 2-4 hours a month in October and November as needed. (D) I will be (hopefully, I'm assuming there are going to be auditions) a Saturday Night Musician, which means I will play in the praise band or sing on the praise team twice a month, obviously during our Saturday Night Service. I know that sounds like a lot, and some may think I am overcommitting myself, but I have prayed about it, and I know this is what God wants me to do, especially after this mornings service. Pastor Jim talked about Moses and how he didn't feel qualified to do what God wanted him to do. Which was EXACTLEY what did make him qualified. If we feel like we are qualified to do what God tells us to do, then we have no room to grow, and we are unable to know God more. But when we don't feel ready, that is when God can teach us and use us the most. Which basically confirmed all of my volunteering choices, because, I REALLY don't feel qualified for any of them!!!
3. I will read and study my bible daily, and emerse myself in the Gospel. Also, I am going to make a reading plan so I can read and finish Proverbs by the end of this school year.
4. I will pray daily.
5. I will NEVER DENY GOD.
6. I will continue to attend my youth group both Sunday mornings and Wednseday evenings, and dive in to the topics we are studying (which, by the way, are absolutely incredible this year!).

Now, to end my rant, a quote.

"Living without Jesus is like a fish living out of water...... DIVE IN!!!"

Are you gonig to dive in? I am.

Love, Sirhk