Steady

Sometimes I find myself longing for tragedy. Because, in my mind, tragedy= attention. And attention= love. Screwed up, isn't it?
The thing is, I'm so used to living a crisis. For years, it was one after another, most of them of my own making. I became accustomed to it, and it got so that the down time was what I felt uncomfortable with. Any steady moment felt unnatural, and I panicked. I could elaborate on reasons why I think I did/do this, but what it comes down to is this: I am afraid that anytime something starts going right, something horrible is going to happen, because that has been my overwhelming experience. So I wreck it myself before anyone else can; by doing so I feel in control.
The most recent occasion on which I tried to do this, someone was straight with me and told me basically what I just said; that every time things start going good for me, I sabotage it. At first I was angry, mostly because this person wasn't complying with my plea for attention (which I should be used to by now). But now, more than a month later (and after lots of thought), I realize the truth of that statement.
It scares me. I have been consistantly maturing for the past year, although not without a few rough spots. Now, as I am about to head into my final year of high school, I am starting to panic. If I don't pass every class this next year, I will not be graduating. I know I can do it, but my own sin nature terrifies me, and is constantly telling me what I already *know: I'm not good enough. This feeds my fear of putting any college applications in.
I realize now that I am going to have to put all my trust in God, knowing that He will put me in whatever college He wants me to be in, one way or another.
That brings me to another point. Because of how I lived in constant state of crisis before, I do not know how to rely on God on a day-to-day basis. I'm so used to just needing Him to pull me through the tough times because, well, they were all the time. Now that my life is significantly steadier, I am having trouble being close to Him regularly. I know what to do, how to do it; I just lack the motivation without a crisis.
So that is what I had to say about being steady. That, and that I'm working on it.

That's something God saved me from...

A few nights ago as I was falling asleep, my mind began to wander (as it often does). I began to think about what life would be like after high school. I don't know what I will be doing, and the future is very confusing as of right now, but I do know one thing for sure. I want to be involved in Youth Ministry. I can't be a part of High School Ministries until I've been out of high school for a couple years, but someone suggested to me recently that Middle School Ministries might be the thing for me until then. I like the idea, but I have no idea if it's what God wants me to do, so until then, I'm trying not to make any plans and/or set my heart on anything.

But as my mind was doing it's wandering thing, and I thought about being a part of MSM, I started to think about the type of role model I would be. Which led me to think about the questions I would get if I ever wore short sleeves around the students. Rest assured there are no new scars in the making, and there never will be again, but the old ones are still there, and mostly very obvious. The part that worries me is, how would I explain that to a middle schooler adequitely? As I was thinking about this, the words popped into my head, "That is something God saved me from". And maybe I would have to explain a little more in depth, but when I thought that, it seemed right.

But then I thought about Miya and Lil Bug. Would I say the same thing to them, when they are old enough to understand? Would it still be adequite to use that form of explanation for the ones I love? How much deeper will I have to explain? I don't know.
For now I am satisfied with the response God has given me. When the time comes to tell the girls (which may not be for a very long time), I'm sure He will provide me with what to say, whether different from the above or not.