Worthless is my core lie, although I sometimes feel I have more than one (such as Failure). Worthless causes me to feel like I need to fight for the Love and Respect I think I deserve, because I've been trampled and treated like shit my whole life. But that's just my lens. My mom's lens is that I was a difficult child. My dad's lens is that all women are stupid objects to be used, not worth the same as men. This attitude transfers (consciously or not) to his daughter; Me.
I'm used to endless nagging litanies of what I've done wrong, as well as explosive, violent outbursts for something as small as not replacing the toilet paper roll. So it stands that this sort of treatment is what I grew to expect; not the outward behaviors exactly, but the root lies behind them. That if I didn't do things right, I deserved to be treated badly. Conditional love based on not being a Failure. Also, that I had to walk on eggshells; I could not stand up for myself, because doing so would risk my own physical harm. I was (am) not considered valuable enough to refrain from damaging. Worthless.
These core lies, Worthless, Failure, create a cycle in which I feel like I need to work for and earn Love and Respect, which turns into despair from Failure telling me that no matter how hard I try, it will never be good enough. And the cycle continues.
These lies transfer directly to my relationship with God; and that is where Fear comes into play. Fear tells me that this cycle will somehow become true in my relationship with Him. So I build up high walls and behave as if it IS true (which Fear would have me believe is inevitable). I hide from Him and harden my heart because I am so deeply afraid that Fear is right: that Worthless and Failure and here to stay, and will infect everything I Love.
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