College Retreat Saturday

I'm at a point in this where I no longer want to fake it. I want to give an honest answer when people ask "How are you?" I don't want to put up a wall, wear a mask, and lie about the condition of my soul. I don't even want to sing when we worship, because I know it's not genuinely to and for Him; it's just because singing is something I enjoy (especially in a group).

I don't know where to go now. I don't feel any sort of direction for my life, and there is an endless wall between me and God. Our relationship has been stagnant for so long that sometimes I fantasize about leaving; the town, the state, maybe even the country; in desperate hope that something in my life would change.

I don't know how to bridge this gap. I've told Him "I need you to fight for me". I've even said "Fight ME". There is nothing in me that gives me the power or the will to do it on my own. "Break down my walls. Break down Me. Captivate me. Show me your love. Give me Something. Anything." All these things I've said, yet there seems to be no response. My soul feels so tired and worn down. I can't fight on my own anymore.

All the things I know in my head to be true about God are the same things that my heart refuses to believe. This is not something words can fix; I need Him to intervene in a drastic way.