Three months ago, my friend and I went to Swing for the first time. For those of you who don't know what that is, it is a dance event hosted by the Grand Rapids Original Swing Society (G.R.O.S.S.) every Tuesday night. Since then, we have gone every week. We have both met many new people and made new friends. I was introduced to "Carter" through some mutual friends. He was then introduced to my friend. To make a long story short, they have grown closer and closer over the past months, and I highly suspect that they like each other very much. The only problem with this is the crush that has crept up on me. Believe me, I'm trying my hardest to get rid of it. I don't want to feel that way, and I want my friends to be happy. But I have to admit, the green monster has been showing its face more often than I would like. Not that I let anyone else see it, but I hate how it makes me feel. I let it get to me a little too much, and was very depressed at Swing for two weeks straight.
Last night was different though. My friend had told me that Carter was concerned about me, and that he didn't want to do anything to ruin our friendship. Well, you can bet that made me feel like a heel, so I resolved to clean up my act and move on. I figured, since I didn't want to have a crush, if I ignored it long enough, it would go away. My plan worked. I had a great time, and danced to at least ten songs, despite the injury to my foot. The only glitch happened when a waltz came over the speakers. My ears perked up, and I jumped up to find Carter (about a month earlier, I had taken a beginner waltz lesson, and knew how to do the basic step with a spin really well), and the only other person that I knew that also knew how to waltz somewhat was him. But when I found him, my friend and he were already preparing to take the floor. So I walked away, admittedly a little jealous and upset, because I'm the one that knows how to waltz, yet I'm the one with no one to dance with. And what's worse, the song they play for the waltz is a really cool love song with a great tune... that always makes me heartsick.
So I went in search of my friend "Andrew", who doesn't really know how to waltz, but I decided I would try to teach him. It was uneventful, but I think a few more weeks and he'll have the basic step/spin down, lol. After that, I went to sit down at a table and rub my foot (it was sore and stiff, I probably overdid it a little too soon). I was thinking about what had just happened, and about how my emotions were annoying and illogical. I then had a revelation; it just popped into my head out of nowhere, but it is something that I think will help me through the weeks to come: "God is my perfect dance partner."
As I think about it more now, I realize that it's not as much about dancing as it is about feeling close to someone, and not just physically, but emotionally as well. With that in mind, I think I would much rather have God as my dance partner than anyone else, because He will always be the first to ask, I will never have to go searching for Him, and His strong arms make Him the perfect leader (in dance terms), so easy for me to follow that I don't have to think about what I'm doing. All I have to do is enjoy the strength and safety of His embrace, and let myself rest in His presence, knowing that He thinks I am beautiful beyond compare, and loves me with no end. He is, without a doubt, the perfect dance partner.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Humble Myself.
I don't really know how to start this, because I am just too weary (physically, emotionally, and mentally) to come up with something clever to say. I guess the point I want to start with is this:
Since August, I have been crying out to God constantly. Either He refuses to answer yet, or I just haven't heard it. The longer it takes for me to feel Him in my life, the more frustrated I get. The more broken I feel. The more it seems like my life is falling apart, and even though I'm SCREAMING at God to help me, He's letting it fall through my fingers like sand. Weekly I go home from youth group and sob so hard I get a migraine every time, and scream in my head because I hate how far away He feels during worship. I hate how broken I am; I hate how crazy I am. Any, yes, finally I'll admit it: I am ANGRY at God! I don't know how to change that. I feel like I'm getting crazier by the day, yet I don't understand why. I feel like I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing, but I'm still being ignored. I have been reading His word and praying daily, I have been consistently pursuing a relationship with Him, but I can't feel Him come near to me, now when I need Him the most. I don't know what else to do, or what I'm doing wrong. Obviously I still sin, but there's nothing I'm not working on (as far as I know).
This morning I decided to try a different approach. Instead of screaming for help on a daily basis, I am now going to assume and accept that He has heard me, and that He will answer me if I just listen. I think maybe I've been making too much noise of my own to hear what He has to say. So I will calm my spirit. I will wait for Him in quiet submission and humble silence. Please pray for me.
Since August, I have been crying out to God constantly. Either He refuses to answer yet, or I just haven't heard it. The longer it takes for me to feel Him in my life, the more frustrated I get. The more broken I feel. The more it seems like my life is falling apart, and even though I'm SCREAMING at God to help me, He's letting it fall through my fingers like sand. Weekly I go home from youth group and sob so hard I get a migraine every time, and scream in my head because I hate how far away He feels during worship. I hate how broken I am; I hate how crazy I am. Any, yes, finally I'll admit it: I am ANGRY at God! I don't know how to change that. I feel like I'm getting crazier by the day, yet I don't understand why. I feel like I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing, but I'm still being ignored. I have been reading His word and praying daily, I have been consistently pursuing a relationship with Him, but I can't feel Him come near to me, now when I need Him the most. I don't know what else to do, or what I'm doing wrong. Obviously I still sin, but there's nothing I'm not working on (as far as I know).
This morning I decided to try a different approach. Instead of screaming for help on a daily basis, I am now going to assume and accept that He has heard me, and that He will answer me if I just listen. I think maybe I've been making too much noise of my own to hear what He has to say. So I will calm my spirit. I will wait for Him in quiet submission and humble silence. Please pray for me.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Pray for me.
Something has come up that might adversely affect me. I don't want to get ahead of myself by assuming it's true (because I honestly don't trust my own mind sometimes), but things are starting to add up. For now I'm going to assume that it's not true and stay calm. But my heart feels like it's being squeezed by an iron fist.
Please pray for me for strength, for me to stay up, and that the truth will be revealed to me.
Please pray for me for strength, for me to stay up, and that the truth will be revealed to me.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Drama drama drama.... and Taking Steps
About 3 or 4 weeks ago, I decided it was time to start being pro-active about beating my disease (diagnoses, whatever you want to call it, to me it is a sickness). I pondered it, and eventually realized that any actions still being incorporated would need to go first (as in behaviours as opposed to ways of thinking). The only behaviour still consistantly present is attention-seeking, so I decided to work on that. I started doing this by identifying ways I seek attention, situations I would be more tempted to do it in, and people I seek attention from. Now that I have identified these things, it is easier to stop myself from doing and saying things that would contribute to that behaviour. I still do it all the time (at least it seems like it to me, when I look back on my day) but little by little, I am fighting it. Old habits (this one's been going on 4 years) are hard to break, but God's grace will pull me through. I have been constantly praying for strength, and I get it.
Another part of it being so hard is that sometimes I get confused about whether or not what I'm doing really is attention-seeking or if I'm just over-analyzing (and vice-versa), but that is a whole different topic. My brain is a very confusing (and sometimes hateful) place to be.
The other part of being pro-active was something I didn't realize I needed to be mindful about until last night. Certain circumstances caused me to get very worked up and upset. I realized afterwards that the thing I was upset about in the first place was only the main cause of my angst for a few minutes. After that, my entire dramatic energy poured into hating myslef, my situation, and the fact that I have to deal with and fight something that isn't my fault. Which is a whole ton of energy. On my knees, I cried out to God and screamed at Him to please heal me (not an audible scream). I was angry from asking over and over and it feels like there is no change. I am angry because it is not my fault and it is not fair that I have to deal with this. So I screamed at God. Because I am frustrated with crying out to Him and seemingly getting no answer. And sometimes I feel so helpless.
I just want to be okay.
And this is what I need to be mindful about. Not making mountains out of molehilles; not being so dramatic; learning to take take things in stride more. Learning to calm down. Learning to breathe. Learning that not everything has to be a catastrophe.
Because the thing that got me more upset than anything was how I reacted. It was disproportionate. I reacted wrongly, and it reminded me of how wrong I am inside.
So from now on, instead of having a heart attack, I'm going to breathe. I'm going to ask myself "Am I being dramatic? Is this really that big of a deal?"
This is how I will combat the continual mental, emotional, and relational instability in my life. And it has to work, because I can't keep living like this. It's not fair to me or anyone around me. It's not okay.
And I just want to be okay.
Another part of it being so hard is that sometimes I get confused about whether or not what I'm doing really is attention-seeking or if I'm just over-analyzing (and vice-versa), but that is a whole different topic. My brain is a very confusing (and sometimes hateful) place to be.
The other part of being pro-active was something I didn't realize I needed to be mindful about until last night. Certain circumstances caused me to get very worked up and upset. I realized afterwards that the thing I was upset about in the first place was only the main cause of my angst for a few minutes. After that, my entire dramatic energy poured into hating myslef, my situation, and the fact that I have to deal with and fight something that isn't my fault. Which is a whole ton of energy. On my knees, I cried out to God and screamed at Him to please heal me (not an audible scream). I was angry from asking over and over and it feels like there is no change. I am angry because it is not my fault and it is not fair that I have to deal with this. So I screamed at God. Because I am frustrated with crying out to Him and seemingly getting no answer. And sometimes I feel so helpless.
I just want to be okay.
And this is what I need to be mindful about. Not making mountains out of molehilles; not being so dramatic; learning to take take things in stride more. Learning to calm down. Learning to breathe. Learning that not everything has to be a catastrophe.
Because the thing that got me more upset than anything was how I reacted. It was disproportionate. I reacted wrongly, and it reminded me of how wrong I am inside.
So from now on, instead of having a heart attack, I'm going to breathe. I'm going to ask myself "Am I being dramatic? Is this really that big of a deal?"
This is how I will combat the continual mental, emotional, and relational instability in my life. And it has to work, because I can't keep living like this. It's not fair to me or anyone around me. It's not okay.
And I just want to be okay.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Becoming...
There is an idea teasing my brain that I have been playing with for a few months now. There are a few women at church that I highly respect and look up to, and it is obvious to me that they are thought well of by anyone else that comes in contact with them. I recently got it into my head that I want to be like these women. This desire was solidified when I by chance read this verse:
1 Peter 3:3-5
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful.
After reading that, I began noticing ways in which I and these women were different. For instance, I am usually loud and obnoxious; they are usually quiet and graceful in their speech and actions. I usually go after all the attention I can get and tend to brag and say things to promote myself; these women are unfailingly humble and tend to lift up God and others. My motives for (I'll be honest) at least 80% of what I do are in some way or another selfish or self-serving; yet what I see consistently in these women is a joyful servant's heart.
I'll admit, these realizations instilled a little disgust in myself, but more than that, I feel awe and respect for these amazing, godly women, and I yearn whole-heartedly to ingrain these qualities in myself.
Because I know it is pleasing to God, I now aim for "the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit". Please pray for me... for wisdom in my decisions, servitude and grace in my actions, and humble and quiet words from my mouth.
Hopefully soon I can say, "This is what I am becoming....."
1 Peter 3:3-5
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful.
After reading that, I began noticing ways in which I and these women were different. For instance, I am usually loud and obnoxious; they are usually quiet and graceful in their speech and actions. I usually go after all the attention I can get and tend to brag and say things to promote myself; these women are unfailingly humble and tend to lift up God and others. My motives for (I'll be honest) at least 80% of what I do are in some way or another selfish or self-serving; yet what I see consistently in these women is a joyful servant's heart.
I'll admit, these realizations instilled a little disgust in myself, but more than that, I feel awe and respect for these amazing, godly women, and I yearn whole-heartedly to ingrain these qualities in myself.
Because I know it is pleasing to God, I now aim for "the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit". Please pray for me... for wisdom in my decisions, servitude and grace in my actions, and humble and quiet words from my mouth.
Hopefully soon I can say, "This is what I am becoming....."
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
It's all about Attitude
I realized I've been saying "I can't" a lot lately. I've been playing into my diagnosis.
Here's the thing: I'm used to playing the victim. I'm good at it. I've been doing it for years.
I am so BORED with it.
I was thinking about my last post last night. I was thinking about the things I've been doing and saying the past few weeks. How I've been acting. The phrase "This is NOT acceptable" popped into my head in what I imagined to be a stern and overbearing mix of what my friends Brenda Ely and Toran would say.
"What am I doing?" I thought. "I am a reborn child of God; I should be ashamed of myself!" It was late at night, and now in the light of day, I feel I may have been a little harsh on myself, but I also believe it was completely warranted.
I realized that the attitude I face my difficulties with is the one thing that can allow me to get past them gracefully and stay strong in my walk with the Lord. I aslo realized that I can say either say "I can't" and continue to give myslef a pity party, saying "poor me, why does everything go wrong?" and play the victim, OR I can pick myself up, dust myself off, and face each new thing with an attitude that says "I am a CHILD OF GOD- He loves me and He will take care of me, therefore I will follow Him with my life". Now, there very well may be some instances in which "I can't" will be true. During thise times, though, I will simply say "Maybe I can't, but my God can".
I am a child of God. I am surrounded by friends. I am loved.
Most of all, I am ALIVE.
And I will be thankful with my life and the way I live it.
"I'm Alive" Jeremy Camp
I felt so overwhelmed with guilt
I don't know how many times that I'd fight it
Well, I tried it and barely survived it
I fell in the nearest pool of shame
Took the blame and everything that surrounds it
Well, I found it and I drowned in it
Oh, I never thought I'd erase this
Or replace this feeling now
Oh, but my whole life changed
When You saved me and forgave me now
I'm alive, I'm alive like I've never been
Been revived from the lies that were deep within
It's the past now, it's the past
'Cause Christ has given life where I'll never thirst again X2
I lost everything I had
But I'm glad 'cause I would never have found you
Well, it rings true, the words that spoke through
You've given more than I can say
And I know that I could never repay You
But I thank you, I can't wait to embrace You
Oh, I spun around for a long time
And I always felt so blind
Oh, I never thought I could feel it
Well, I feel it now
I'm alive, I'm alive like I've never been
Been revived from the lies that were deep within
It's the past now, it's the past
'Cause Christ has given life where I'll never thirst again X2
Oh, I can feel it now every time I turn around
Knowing I have been set free from the pain and misery
Oh, I will make the most of this hope I have
I'm alive, I'm alive like I've never been
Been revived from the lies that were deep within
It's the past now, it's the past
'Cause Christ has given life where I'll never thirst again X3
Oh, I'll never thirst again
Oh, I'll never thirst again
I'll never thirst again
I'm alive
I'm alive, I'm alive like I've never been
Been revived from the lies that were deep within
It's the past now, it's the past
'Cause Christ has given life where I'll never thirst again
I'm alive, I'm alive like I've never been
I'm alive, I'm alive like I've never been
Here's the thing: I'm used to playing the victim. I'm good at it. I've been doing it for years.
I am so BORED with it.
I was thinking about my last post last night. I was thinking about the things I've been doing and saying the past few weeks. How I've been acting. The phrase "This is NOT acceptable" popped into my head in what I imagined to be a stern and overbearing mix of what my friends Brenda Ely and Toran would say.
"What am I doing?" I thought. "I am a reborn child of God; I should be ashamed of myself!" It was late at night, and now in the light of day, I feel I may have been a little harsh on myself, but I also believe it was completely warranted.
I realized that the attitude I face my difficulties with is the one thing that can allow me to get past them gracefully and stay strong in my walk with the Lord. I aslo realized that I can say either say "I can't" and continue to give myslef a pity party, saying "poor me, why does everything go wrong?" and play the victim, OR I can pick myself up, dust myself off, and face each new thing with an attitude that says "I am a CHILD OF GOD- He loves me and He will take care of me, therefore I will follow Him with my life". Now, there very well may be some instances in which "I can't" will be true. During thise times, though, I will simply say "Maybe I can't, but my God can".
I am a child of God. I am surrounded by friends. I am loved.
Most of all, I am ALIVE.
And I will be thankful with my life and the way I live it.
"I'm Alive" Jeremy Camp
I felt so overwhelmed with guilt
I don't know how many times that I'd fight it
Well, I tried it and barely survived it
I fell in the nearest pool of shame
Took the blame and everything that surrounds it
Well, I found it and I drowned in it
Oh, I never thought I'd erase this
Or replace this feeling now
Oh, but my whole life changed
When You saved me and forgave me now
I'm alive, I'm alive like I've never been
Been revived from the lies that were deep within
It's the past now, it's the past
'Cause Christ has given life where I'll never thirst again X2
I lost everything I had
But I'm glad 'cause I would never have found you
Well, it rings true, the words that spoke through
You've given more than I can say
And I know that I could never repay You
But I thank you, I can't wait to embrace You
Oh, I spun around for a long time
And I always felt so blind
Oh, I never thought I could feel it
Well, I feel it now
I'm alive, I'm alive like I've never been
Been revived from the lies that were deep within
It's the past now, it's the past
'Cause Christ has given life where I'll never thirst again X2
Oh, I can feel it now every time I turn around
Knowing I have been set free from the pain and misery
Oh, I will make the most of this hope I have
I'm alive, I'm alive like I've never been
Been revived from the lies that were deep within
It's the past now, it's the past
'Cause Christ has given life where I'll never thirst again X3
Oh, I'll never thirst again
Oh, I'll never thirst again
I'll never thirst again
I'm alive
I'm alive, I'm alive like I've never been
Been revived from the lies that were deep within
It's the past now, it's the past
'Cause Christ has given life where I'll never thirst again
I'm alive, I'm alive like I've never been
I'm alive, I'm alive like I've never been
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
Secrets and Regrets
I recently found out some disturbing news about myself. I'm going to say it, since I know anyone reading this most likely cares enough not to think of me differently. Over a year ago, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I didn't find out until about 3 weeks ago.
After the intitial relief at finally knowing, apprehension, turmoil, and fear invaded; feelings I am still trying to cope with. I have spent the last few weeks researching and reading about it. It explains a lot. Actually, it explains everything. The relief I felt at the beginning is now somewhat constant (unfortunately, so are the other feelings), because for years, I was so wrong. I know that's not very clear, but I can't explain it any other way. Just everything was wrong inside, and I always struggled with trying to explain it to myself and others. I never had the words. When I read the definition, it clicked. It was like someone had picked my brain out. It was ME.
Of course, the negative side of that is that it is incredibly hard not to let it define me- I already have a little bit, and it's a daily struggle.
On Sunday I was having a conversation with someone, in which I was making amends for past wrongs. As it progressed, we passed over the subject of my diagnosis. I was advised to forget about it. Sound advice. Logical. Reasonable. Yet absolutely impossible for me to do at this point. I can't explain why. This is how I am, how I have been for years. I am incapable of letting things like this go- I am literally incapable of just "forgetting about it". If I knew why, trust me, I would change in a heartbeat just to get past this.
I feel so helpless. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut, incapable of moving forward. I want to change this, but I don't know how. It's frustrating. I feel like others think "If I just put my mind to it, I could get past all this". The problem is, my MIND is what I'm trying to get past. 90% of BPD has to do with the way a person thinks.
So this is my vent of frustration as of now. I'm stuck. So if you wanted to bottle me up and stick a label on me, this song would be it at this point:
Secrets And Regrets- Pillar
no matter how hard you try to
you can't make the clock rewind to
the moment that you lied to yourself
it never really mattered how they felt
your secrets and regrets are keeping you from going very far
and you can't let all this get you down and keep you living in the dark
cause all you're looking for
is love
you're living in the dark
you just can't get enough
your secrets and regrets
your holding on to all this pain
can't seem to leave it all behind you
tomorrow it'll be today soon
don't wait until it's too late to move
your secrets and regrets are keeping you from going very far
and you can't let this get you down and keep you living in the dark
you're living in the dark
you just can't get enough
your secrets and regrets
how many times do you need second chances
not everybody gets another second chance
(how many times do you need second chances, not everybody gets another...)
...chance!
second chance
your secrets and regrets are keeping you from going very far
and you can't let all this get you down and keep you living in the dark
cause all you're looking for
is love
you're living in the dark
you just can't get enough
your secrets and regrets
no more secrets
(no regrets)
no more secrets
(no regrets)
no living in the dark x4
After the intitial relief at finally knowing, apprehension, turmoil, and fear invaded; feelings I am still trying to cope with. I have spent the last few weeks researching and reading about it. It explains a lot. Actually, it explains everything. The relief I felt at the beginning is now somewhat constant (unfortunately, so are the other feelings), because for years, I was so wrong. I know that's not very clear, but I can't explain it any other way. Just everything was wrong inside, and I always struggled with trying to explain it to myself and others. I never had the words. When I read the definition, it clicked. It was like someone had picked my brain out. It was ME.
Of course, the negative side of that is that it is incredibly hard not to let it define me- I already have a little bit, and it's a daily struggle.
On Sunday I was having a conversation with someone, in which I was making amends for past wrongs. As it progressed, we passed over the subject of my diagnosis. I was advised to forget about it. Sound advice. Logical. Reasonable. Yet absolutely impossible for me to do at this point. I can't explain why. This is how I am, how I have been for years. I am incapable of letting things like this go- I am literally incapable of just "forgetting about it". If I knew why, trust me, I would change in a heartbeat just to get past this.
I feel so helpless. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut, incapable of moving forward. I want to change this, but I don't know how. It's frustrating. I feel like others think "If I just put my mind to it, I could get past all this". The problem is, my MIND is what I'm trying to get past. 90% of BPD has to do with the way a person thinks.
So this is my vent of frustration as of now. I'm stuck. So if you wanted to bottle me up and stick a label on me, this song would be it at this point:
Secrets And Regrets- Pillar
no matter how hard you try to
you can't make the clock rewind to
the moment that you lied to yourself
it never really mattered how they felt
your secrets and regrets are keeping you from going very far
and you can't let all this get you down and keep you living in the dark
cause all you're looking for
is love
you're living in the dark
you just can't get enough
your secrets and regrets
your holding on to all this pain
can't seem to leave it all behind you
tomorrow it'll be today soon
don't wait until it's too late to move
your secrets and regrets are keeping you from going very far
and you can't let this get you down and keep you living in the dark
you're living in the dark
you just can't get enough
your secrets and regrets
how many times do you need second chances
not everybody gets another second chance
(how many times do you need second chances, not everybody gets another...)
...chance!
second chance
your secrets and regrets are keeping you from going very far
and you can't let all this get you down and keep you living in the dark
cause all you're looking for
is love
you're living in the dark
you just can't get enough
your secrets and regrets
no more secrets
(no regrets)
no more secrets
(no regrets)
no living in the dark x4
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Steady
Sometimes I find myself longing for tragedy. Because, in my mind, tragedy= attention. And attention= love. Screwed up, isn't it?
The thing is, I'm so used to living a crisis. For years, it was one after another, most of them of my own making. I became accustomed to it, and it got so that the down time was what I felt uncomfortable with. Any steady moment felt unnatural, and I panicked. I could elaborate on reasons why I think I did/do this, but what it comes down to is this: I am afraid that anytime something starts going right, something horrible is going to happen, because that has been my overwhelming experience. So I wreck it myself before anyone else can; by doing so I feel in control.
The most recent occasion on which I tried to do this, someone was straight with me and told me basically what I just said; that every time things start going good for me, I sabotage it. At first I was angry, mostly because this person wasn't complying with my plea for attention (which I should be used to by now). But now, more than a month later (and after lots of thought), I realize the truth of that statement.
It scares me. I have been consistantly maturing for the past year, although not without a few rough spots. Now, as I am about to head into my final year of high school, I am starting to panic. If I don't pass every class this next year, I will not be graduating. I know I can do it, but my own sin nature terrifies me, and is constantly telling me what I already *know: I'm not good enough. This feeds my fear of putting any college applications in.
I realize now that I am going to have to put all my trust in God, knowing that He will put me in whatever college He wants me to be in, one way or another.
That brings me to another point. Because of how I lived in constant state of crisis before, I do not know how to rely on God on a day-to-day basis. I'm so used to just needing Him to pull me through the tough times because, well, they were all the time. Now that my life is significantly steadier, I am having trouble being close to Him regularly. I know what to do, how to do it; I just lack the motivation without a crisis.
So that is what I had to say about being steady. That, and that I'm working on it.
The thing is, I'm so used to living a crisis. For years, it was one after another, most of them of my own making. I became accustomed to it, and it got so that the down time was what I felt uncomfortable with. Any steady moment felt unnatural, and I panicked. I could elaborate on reasons why I think I did/do this, but what it comes down to is this: I am afraid that anytime something starts going right, something horrible is going to happen, because that has been my overwhelming experience. So I wreck it myself before anyone else can; by doing so I feel in control.
The most recent occasion on which I tried to do this, someone was straight with me and told me basically what I just said; that every time things start going good for me, I sabotage it. At first I was angry, mostly because this person wasn't complying with my plea for attention (which I should be used to by now). But now, more than a month later (and after lots of thought), I realize the truth of that statement.
It scares me. I have been consistantly maturing for the past year, although not without a few rough spots. Now, as I am about to head into my final year of high school, I am starting to panic. If I don't pass every class this next year, I will not be graduating. I know I can do it, but my own sin nature terrifies me, and is constantly telling me what I already *know: I'm not good enough. This feeds my fear of putting any college applications in.
I realize now that I am going to have to put all my trust in God, knowing that He will put me in whatever college He wants me to be in, one way or another.
That brings me to another point. Because of how I lived in constant state of crisis before, I do not know how to rely on God on a day-to-day basis. I'm so used to just needing Him to pull me through the tough times because, well, they were all the time. Now that my life is significantly steadier, I am having trouble being close to Him regularly. I know what to do, how to do it; I just lack the motivation without a crisis.
So that is what I had to say about being steady. That, and that I'm working on it.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Birthdays
There are 8 birthdays surrounding me from now through September (that I know of), including mine. There is my Aunt Jeannie, Angie, Lil Bug, my cousins Jessica and Jenny, Jordan's son Judah, me, and Miya.
So I will be turning 18 in 1 month and 4 days. Crazy, right? I think so. I had forgotten about it until a few days ago, at which point I panicked about how close it was and how quickly it was coming up. I have been longing for this for the past year. It marks the ownership date of many privelages and rights. Like having a driver's lisence. Being able to vote. Being able to sign a lease in my own name. Being able to own a debit/credit card. But most of all, just being an ADULT. Being free.
I am excited and terrified at the same time. As said in Spiderman "With great power comes great responsibility". I am excited that I will have the freedom to do all those things, but I am fearful of how I will handle it. I can't even remember to do my own laundry on a regular basis! The only solution (short of killing myself before I turn 18- don't worry, I won't) is to take charge of my life and throw in some discipline . It won't be easy. I'm such a lazy bones. The good thing is, I've already started. For about a week now, I've been going for a run and working out every other day, whether I want to or not. Like I said. Discipline.
The other thing I have to worry about is Miya's birthday. She's turning 2! This problem comes in two stages; first I have to work on and perfect her present, which is not going to be easy- and I have to worry about what her birthday's going to be like. I'm not going to talk about the present, since I'm fairly certain Angie will read this before next month.
Last year her birthday was great- we met at Noodles and just hung out and talked, gave our presents, and ate pasta and cake. It was a really good time. Since then, our visits have been less than the previous year, due to scheduals and what-not. Miya is very mobile and active, and is no longer in the held-all-the-time stage. These combined means that in recent visits it has felt somewhat awkward. I sit and talk to Angie, and play with Lil Bug, but there is little interaction with Miya. I don't want to force it. She doesn't know me and I don't know her. And it's not anyone's fault... but it hurts. It hurts so that I once thought to just stop trying. Not that I EVER would. But the thought did occur. Not as a plan thought, more of a feeling thought, if that makes any sense. I just want to hold her again....
Anyways, those are the great things that occupy my thoughts lately. Yay for birthdays.
So I will be turning 18 in 1 month and 4 days. Crazy, right? I think so. I had forgotten about it until a few days ago, at which point I panicked about how close it was and how quickly it was coming up. I have been longing for this for the past year. It marks the ownership date of many privelages and rights. Like having a driver's lisence. Being able to vote. Being able to sign a lease in my own name. Being able to own a debit/credit card. But most of all, just being an ADULT. Being free.
I am excited and terrified at the same time. As said in Spiderman "With great power comes great responsibility". I am excited that I will have the freedom to do all those things, but I am fearful of how I will handle it. I can't even remember to do my own laundry on a regular basis! The only solution (short of killing myself before I turn 18- don't worry, I won't) is to take charge of my life and throw in some discipline . It won't be easy. I'm such a lazy bones. The good thing is, I've already started. For about a week now, I've been going for a run and working out every other day, whether I want to or not. Like I said. Discipline.
The other thing I have to worry about is Miya's birthday. She's turning 2! This problem comes in two stages; first I have to work on and perfect her present, which is not going to be easy- and I have to worry about what her birthday's going to be like. I'm not going to talk about the present, since I'm fairly certain Angie will read this before next month.
Last year her birthday was great- we met at Noodles and just hung out and talked, gave our presents, and ate pasta and cake. It was a really good time. Since then, our visits have been less than the previous year, due to scheduals and what-not. Miya is very mobile and active, and is no longer in the held-all-the-time stage. These combined means that in recent visits it has felt somewhat awkward. I sit and talk to Angie, and play with Lil Bug, but there is little interaction with Miya. I don't want to force it. She doesn't know me and I don't know her. And it's not anyone's fault... but it hurts. It hurts so that I once thought to just stop trying. Not that I EVER would. But the thought did occur. Not as a plan thought, more of a feeling thought, if that makes any sense. I just want to hold her again....
Anyways, those are the great things that occupy my thoughts lately. Yay for birthdays.
Just a thought.
So I was just thinking yesterday. I was kind of down, and I thought "What is wrong with me?"
Immediately following that thought, I imagined God saying "Everything. But I love you anyways."
This is a good thing to remember. Whenever I'm down or upset, when I think or say degrading things about myself, I can remember.
He loves me anyways.
Immediately following that thought, I imagined God saying "Everything. But I love you anyways."
This is a good thing to remember. Whenever I'm down or upset, when I think or say degrading things about myself, I can remember.
He loves me anyways.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Invisible
Sometimes I feel invisible. That's why I have such a hard time not seeking attention. I feel like no one will notice me if I don't. I don't get that unsolicited love and attention from anyone. And it makes me jealous and angry and frustrated. What makes me not good enough to receive love and affection and attention? Why are my acheivements not important enough to notice and acknowledge? It's not fair. I feel like the people I want to care the most are always preoccupied with something or someone else. No one pays attention to me! No one regularly asks how I'M doing, or how MY day has been! And the one's that do ask once in a while are so used to me having issues that they don't even notice when my answer is not "Fine". That, and they just don't care.
A couple of weeks ago a girl I know turned 16. Everyone that was around celebrated with her, with cake, candles, and a huge balloon that said "Princess" on it. Don't get me wrong, she is a great girl and she deserved it, but she is also perfect; tiny figure, pretty, and poplular. Anyways, it just reminded me that I'm turning 18 in a month. And no one would ever do that for me. It never has happened, and never will. And it's frustrating sometimes. It's frustrating not being noticed just because I'm not what the world wants to see.
A couple of weeks ago a girl I know turned 16. Everyone that was around celebrated with her, with cake, candles, and a huge balloon that said "Princess" on it. Don't get me wrong, she is a great girl and she deserved it, but she is also perfect; tiny figure, pretty, and poplular. Anyways, it just reminded me that I'm turning 18 in a month. And no one would ever do that for me. It never has happened, and never will. And it's frustrating sometimes. It's frustrating not being noticed just because I'm not what the world wants to see.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Fake Nails and Football
If I ever wrote an autobiography, that would be the title. Yes, very random, I know, and not what this post is about.
I have put fake nails on a total of 2 times in my life. Both in the past 3 weeks. They looked really pretty. They were very inconvenient. I cut them to play guitar. Then my right thumbnail still fell off (well, more like it was ripped off by the strings) when I was playing. Then two more fell off when I was playing catch with a football, so I just ripped the rest off and put them in my pocket.
I love football. And (I think) I'm pretty good at it. I would be better if I was in shape. That is a goal. But I love throwing, catching, and running for the ball. It's a great feeling to be able throw as far (or almost as far) as most guys. It's fun to run and jump and feel the accomplishment of the ball in my hands after that effort. And yeah, I don't mind slamming into the wall a few times, even if I don't catch it. At least I gave it my best effort and didn't stand there and duck to protect my oh so (not) gorgeous face from that horrible thing called a football.
My point? Simply that I would rather take a few bruises from the ball and the wall and have fun doing what I love, than sit on the sidelines protecting fake nails that I have to tell people about for them to notice anyway. And it only took me one night to realize it :D.
**On a side note: I have absolutely nothing against girls that like fake nails and don't like football. This is just my preferance.
I have put fake nails on a total of 2 times in my life. Both in the past 3 weeks. They looked really pretty. They were very inconvenient. I cut them to play guitar. Then my right thumbnail still fell off (well, more like it was ripped off by the strings) when I was playing. Then two more fell off when I was playing catch with a football, so I just ripped the rest off and put them in my pocket.
I love football. And (I think) I'm pretty good at it. I would be better if I was in shape. That is a goal. But I love throwing, catching, and running for the ball. It's a great feeling to be able throw as far (or almost as far) as most guys. It's fun to run and jump and feel the accomplishment of the ball in my hands after that effort. And yeah, I don't mind slamming into the wall a few times, even if I don't catch it. At least I gave it my best effort and didn't stand there and duck to protect my oh so (not) gorgeous face from that horrible thing called a football.
My point? Simply that I would rather take a few bruises from the ball and the wall and have fun doing what I love, than sit on the sidelines protecting fake nails that I have to tell people about for them to notice anyway. And it only took me one night to realize it :D.
**On a side note: I have absolutely nothing against girls that like fake nails and don't like football. This is just my preferance.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
That's something God saved me from...
A few nights ago as I was falling asleep, my mind began to wander (as it often does). I began to think about what life would be like after high school. I don't know what I will be doing, and the future is very confusing as of right now, but I do know one thing for sure. I want to be involved in Youth Ministry. I can't be a part of High School Ministries until I've been out of high school for a couple years, but someone suggested to me recently that Middle School Ministries might be the thing for me until then. I like the idea, but I have no idea if it's what God wants me to do, so until then, I'm trying not to make any plans and/or set my heart on anything.
But as my mind was doing it's wandering thing, and I thought about being a part of MSM, I started to think about the type of role model I would be. Which led me to think about the questions I would get if I ever wore short sleeves around the students. Rest assured there are no new scars in the making, and there never will be again, but the old ones are still there, and mostly very obvious. The part that worries me is, how would I explain that to a middle schooler adequitely? As I was thinking about this, the words popped into my head, "That is something God saved me from". And maybe I would have to explain a little more in depth, but when I thought that, it seemed right.
But then I thought about Miya and Lil Bug. Would I say the same thing to them, when they are old enough to understand? Would it still be adequite to use that form of explanation for the ones I love? How much deeper will I have to explain? I don't know.
For now I am satisfied with the response God has given me. When the time comes to tell the girls (which may not be for a very long time), I'm sure He will provide me with what to say, whether different from the above or not.
But as my mind was doing it's wandering thing, and I thought about being a part of MSM, I started to think about the type of role model I would be. Which led me to think about the questions I would get if I ever wore short sleeves around the students. Rest assured there are no new scars in the making, and there never will be again, but the old ones are still there, and mostly very obvious. The part that worries me is, how would I explain that to a middle schooler adequitely? As I was thinking about this, the words popped into my head, "That is something God saved me from". And maybe I would have to explain a little more in depth, but when I thought that, it seemed right.
But then I thought about Miya and Lil Bug. Would I say the same thing to them, when they are old enough to understand? Would it still be adequite to use that form of explanation for the ones I love? How much deeper will I have to explain? I don't know.
For now I am satisfied with the response God has given me. When the time comes to tell the girls (which may not be for a very long time), I'm sure He will provide me with what to say, whether different from the above or not.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Ummm... love? I think not...
Just an anouncement saying that I'm pretty sure whatever love bug/crush (whatever you want to call it)that I had, was just that, and is now pretty much gone, thank goodness (see last post). I still think he's incredibly hot, though.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
I'm not sure what to do about this...
Okay, so I'm going to try to organize my thoughts. When I first wrote this, it was a very jumbled rant, and just getting my feelings out and down on paper.
Ever since Festival of Lights ended, I have felt bored and kind of sad when I'm not doing anything. I'm not even sure if that's the right way to describe it. I feel numb. I don't want to move. Or talk. Or eat, or sleep, or drink. I fight it with all of my energy. I don't dwell on the things that are bothering me (I don't address them either, and that might be part of the problem). I force myself to be interactive. Sometimes the urge to isolate overpowers me, though. And for the first time, it is a real need/want to be alone, and to get away from people, instead of wandering off to try to get people to follow, a.k.a. attention-seeking. I don't do that anymore (at least, I think I don't, I'm trying really hard not to).
There are quite a few things that are bothering me.
(1) I found out on Saturday that my aunt (my favorite aunt) has terminal cancer. They gave her 3-4 years, if all goes well.
(2) I think I'm starting to love someone. I DON'T WANT TO. I can't can't can't love someone right now.
(3) I am absolutely TERRIFIED of never acquiring the level of skill needed to play the music I hear in my head. I am afraid I will never be good enough (and that applies to more than just music).
(4) I hate my school. I almost cried getting on the bus yesterday.
(5) I am afraid I won't be able to go on the Winter Retreat, even with the scholarship (which only covers half). We simply don't have $55 (as my mother keeps telling me).
And on top of all that, I had a really bad day on Sunday, my favorite day of the week. I spilled pop all over my jeans in HSM. My toothpaste opened in my makeup bag. My (dad's) electric-acoustic stopped working, and I don't know what's wrong with it. During Missio Dei's lunch, ALL of my friends sat with my ex. I ate alone in the HSM room. Oh, and after all that, I spent almost 2 hours pretty much completely alone with a boy in the HSM room, discussing music. Which was kind of good and kind of bad. It was kind of good because he is one of the best guitarist's I know, I look up to him as a musician, and he usually never talks to me, so discussing music with him was awesome. It was kind of bad because he is the one I (think I) am starting to love, and talking to him, him identifying with me, and him treating me like I was someone worth talking to didn't help the attraction factor. In this situation, it is so WRONG for me to like him, love him, or be attracted to him.
But that's not the worst of it. That's not what is bothering me the most.
It's my music. I don't know what is wrong with me, and it's tearing me up and driving me so crazy I want to scream! I don't feel it any more. When I play, there is no joy. Just an overwhelming numbness and emptyness. I have tried forcing myself to play to reclaim the joy and peace that comes with playing. It's not coming. Sometimes I stop in the middle of a song, and stare into space for an extended period of time. I just can't keep playing. It's torture! Music is my life! It used to fill me up, and now there is nothing, I don't feel anything but hollow when I play. No love, joy, peace, excitement. I feel like my music has died somehow. I need someone to tell me what's wrong!
Ever since Festival of Lights ended, I have felt bored and kind of sad when I'm not doing anything. I'm not even sure if that's the right way to describe it. I feel numb. I don't want to move. Or talk. Or eat, or sleep, or drink. I fight it with all of my energy. I don't dwell on the things that are bothering me (I don't address them either, and that might be part of the problem). I force myself to be interactive. Sometimes the urge to isolate overpowers me, though. And for the first time, it is a real need/want to be alone, and to get away from people, instead of wandering off to try to get people to follow, a.k.a. attention-seeking. I don't do that anymore (at least, I think I don't, I'm trying really hard not to).
There are quite a few things that are bothering me.
(1) I found out on Saturday that my aunt (my favorite aunt) has terminal cancer. They gave her 3-4 years, if all goes well.
(2) I think I'm starting to love someone. I DON'T WANT TO. I can't can't can't love someone right now.
(3) I am absolutely TERRIFIED of never acquiring the level of skill needed to play the music I hear in my head. I am afraid I will never be good enough (and that applies to more than just music).
(4) I hate my school. I almost cried getting on the bus yesterday.
(5) I am afraid I won't be able to go on the Winter Retreat, even with the scholarship (which only covers half). We simply don't have $55 (as my mother keeps telling me).
And on top of all that, I had a really bad day on Sunday, my favorite day of the week. I spilled pop all over my jeans in HSM. My toothpaste opened in my makeup bag. My (dad's) electric-acoustic stopped working, and I don't know what's wrong with it. During Missio Dei's lunch, ALL of my friends sat with my ex. I ate alone in the HSM room. Oh, and after all that, I spent almost 2 hours pretty much completely alone with a boy in the HSM room, discussing music. Which was kind of good and kind of bad. It was kind of good because he is one of the best guitarist's I know, I look up to him as a musician, and he usually never talks to me, so discussing music with him was awesome. It was kind of bad because he is the one I (think I) am starting to love, and talking to him, him identifying with me, and him treating me like I was someone worth talking to didn't help the attraction factor. In this situation, it is so WRONG for me to like him, love him, or be attracted to him.
But that's not the worst of it. That's not what is bothering me the most.
It's my music. I don't know what is wrong with me, and it's tearing me up and driving me so crazy I want to scream! I don't feel it any more. When I play, there is no joy. Just an overwhelming numbness and emptyness. I have tried forcing myself to play to reclaim the joy and peace that comes with playing. It's not coming. Sometimes I stop in the middle of a song, and stare into space for an extended period of time. I just can't keep playing. It's torture! Music is my life! It used to fill me up, and now there is nothing, I don't feel anything but hollow when I play. No love, joy, peace, excitement. I feel like my music has died somehow. I need someone to tell me what's wrong!
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Happy New Year!
So. It's 2009. I am experiencing a lot of emotions regarding that. Excitement. Content. Joy. A little bit of sadness. The biggest ones are peace and calm. Mostly because I know that God is in control, and I am at peace with whatever decisions He makes for my life.
Something I discovered on New Year's Eve was that being alone is not always the same as being out on my own. And although both have the potential to be incredibly lonely, they don't have to be. This was the first New Year I have spent on my own (not alone). My cousin drove me downtown after dropping off her baby at my house for my mom to babysit. I helped her with her hair at her house, and then we went our seperate ways. I walked about a mile to Rosa Park's Circle, listened to the local band for about an hour, and watched the ball drop. All in all, rather mundane. The only sense of excitement for me was in the fact that I was on my own (and trusted to be, my mom didn't have a problem with it). When the ball reached the bottom, the countdown reached zero, and everyone cheered "Happy New Year!", I whispered quietly to myself, and to God, "Happy New Year...". I walked in silence through yells, cheers, and screams all around me, with a sense of peace and excitement about what was in store. Because as the countdown reached the end, and I whispered those words, I made the final, and official decision about something I and others had been praying about for about a month. This is the statement/contract type thing I wrote and signed regarding my decision.
I, Nicole Bjork, commit to not dating or being in a relationship with any person of the opposite gender until my sophomore year of college.
Dating and/or being in a relationship includes and is defined as: spending time alone with someone of the opposite gender as more than a friend; going out with a group with the specific intention of spending time with/seeing one person of the opposite gender as more than a friend; anything more than friendship with anyone of the opposite gender.
My sophomore year of college is defined as not starting until the completion of my first class day of that year.
x_Nicole Bjork___
Hope everyone has a great year!
Something I discovered on New Year's Eve was that being alone is not always the same as being out on my own. And although both have the potential to be incredibly lonely, they don't have to be. This was the first New Year I have spent on my own (not alone). My cousin drove me downtown after dropping off her baby at my house for my mom to babysit. I helped her with her hair at her house, and then we went our seperate ways. I walked about a mile to Rosa Park's Circle, listened to the local band for about an hour, and watched the ball drop. All in all, rather mundane. The only sense of excitement for me was in the fact that I was on my own (and trusted to be, my mom didn't have a problem with it). When the ball reached the bottom, the countdown reached zero, and everyone cheered "Happy New Year!", I whispered quietly to myself, and to God, "Happy New Year...". I walked in silence through yells, cheers, and screams all around me, with a sense of peace and excitement about what was in store. Because as the countdown reached the end, and I whispered those words, I made the final, and official decision about something I and others had been praying about for about a month. This is the statement/contract type thing I wrote and signed regarding my decision.
I, Nicole Bjork, commit to not dating or being in a relationship with any person of the opposite gender until my sophomore year of college.
Dating and/or being in a relationship includes and is defined as: spending time alone with someone of the opposite gender as more than a friend; going out with a group with the specific intention of spending time with/seeing one person of the opposite gender as more than a friend; anything more than friendship with anyone of the opposite gender.
My sophomore year of college is defined as not starting until the completion of my first class day of that year.
x_Nicole Bjork___
Hope everyone has a great year!
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