College Retreat Saturday

I'm at a point in this where I no longer want to fake it. I want to give an honest answer when people ask "How are you?" I don't want to put up a wall, wear a mask, and lie about the condition of my soul. I don't even want to sing when we worship, because I know it's not genuinely to and for Him; it's just because singing is something I enjoy (especially in a group).

I don't know where to go now. I don't feel any sort of direction for my life, and there is an endless wall between me and God. Our relationship has been stagnant for so long that sometimes I fantasize about leaving; the town, the state, maybe even the country; in desperate hope that something in my life would change.

I don't know how to bridge this gap. I've told Him "I need you to fight for me". I've even said "Fight ME". There is nothing in me that gives me the power or the will to do it on my own. "Break down my walls. Break down Me. Captivate me. Show me your love. Give me Something. Anything." All these things I've said, yet there seems to be no response. My soul feels so tired and worn down. I can't fight on my own anymore.

All the things I know in my head to be true about God are the same things that my heart refuses to believe. This is not something words can fix; I need Him to intervene in a drastic way.

College Retreat Friday PM

*The next few posts are going to be some journaling from the weekend retreat I went on with my church college group last weekend, as well as some follow up journaling from the week after. These writings have come from a place of truth and clarity, and I am posting more for my own record and security than anything.*

Worthless is my core lie, although I sometimes feel I have more than one (such as Failure). Worthless causes me to feel like I need to fight for the Love and Respect I think I deserve, because I've been trampled and treated like shit my whole life. But that's just my lens. My mom's lens is that I was a difficult child. My dad's lens is that all women are stupid objects to be used, not worth the same as men. This attitude transfers (consciously or not) to his daughter; Me.

I'm used to endless nagging litanies of what I've done wrong, as well as explosive, violent outbursts for something as small as not replacing the toilet paper roll. So it stands that this sort of treatment is what I grew to expect; not the outward behaviors exactly, but the root lies behind them. That if I didn't do things right, I deserved to be treated badly. Conditional love based on not being a Failure. Also, that I had to walk on eggshells; I could not stand up for myself, because doing so would risk my own physical harm. I was (am) not considered valuable enough to refrain from damaging. Worthless.

These core lies, Worthless, Failure, create a cycle in which I feel like I need to work for and earn Love and Respect, which turns into despair from Failure telling me that no matter how hard I try, it will never be good enough. And the cycle continues.

These lies transfer directly to my relationship with God; and that is where Fear comes into play. Fear tells me that this cycle will somehow become true in my relationship with Him. So I build up high walls and behave as if it IS true (which Fear would have me believe is inevitable). I hide from Him and harden my heart because I am so deeply afraid that Fear is right: that Worthless and Failure and here to stay, and will infect everything I Love.

For me, It's not Over

Every once in a while, I remember you. Deeply. I don't mean I think of you once in a while; I do that quite often. When I remember you, it hurts. When I remember you, I forget the rest of my life.

All I can think about is how my heart would leap when I heard your voice. How it felt, the truest joy to be around you. And your smile, your genuine laugh. How perfectly safe I felt in your arms. Listening to your heartbeat when you held me. The profound connection during our conversations. The pieces of yourself that you gave me make it the hardest to accept. You revealed your soul to me. You confided in me, trusted me, respected me, valued me. Loved me. You told me so many times, and I always felt the truth in it.


It's been almost 2 years since I told you. I exposed my soul to you.


"When our souls meet the ones we are meant to be with our souls never forget."

Never forget.

Never forget.

The thought fills me with hope and despair.

There are 3 options with this statement. One is that it's true for us, and that you will realize this, which is what I desperately hope for. The second is that it's not true for us, and that my heart will eventually realize it and let go, which would be immensely better than the last option. The last option is that it IS true for us... but you decide to deny/ignore/bury it for the rest of your life. This would be the worst option, because a part of my heart would never be able to move on. You would live your life, but my soul would never forget or fully heal.

I'm remembering you now, and wondering how long it will last this time. How much more pain do I have to try to bury? Will I ever be completely free? Or will I cycle through being fine for a while then something triggering me forever?

Genevieve's Blessing

Dear Genevieve,

Today is the day I dedicate you to the the Lord; the day I make a vow to raise you in the knowledge and love of the Lord. I promise to teach you to love Jesus with all your heart, mind, and soul, and I pray that you will one day come to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ.

When I chose the name "Genevieve", I did so because I wanted you to have a beautiful, unique, old-fashioned name. I later found that the meaning of your name is "White Wave". With this in mind, I hope that it will serve as a reminder to keep your faith as strong as the ocean's tides.

The day of your birth was the first snow of the year. I will always remember that as a symbol of your innocence and purity. I loved you so much on that day, and my love for you has only grown.

Galatians 5:22-23 says that the fruits of the Spirit are Love, Joy, Peace, Forbearance, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-Control. These are the qualities I hope to see you embody as you grow.

Finally, I want to give you a verse that I pray will direct your life. Psalm 42:1-2, "As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?"

Sweet girl, may you ever pant and thirst for the living God.

Love,
Momma

The War is Over

Yes the war is over. I'm done fighting with myself. I'm going to take some really good advice that my cousin gave me:
"You'll get through this. No worries. God created a man just for you. Put your trust in Him and pray for Him to give you patience in your waiting. You will need to find a very tiny spot for a memory of this person in your heart, let go of your longing for him, and let it be the past. Then open your heart all the way for the one man that God created for you."

Dreams of Denial

You've been in my dreams of late. Good dreams. But as much as I enjoy them, I know they're only prolonging my pain. So much pain. I'm still grieving your love. I'm still in denial, waiting for the anger to come. I need the anger to come, because waiting and hoping for the what-if's to come true is just too painful. Anger for me means healing. I'm stuck in between denial and anger, not fully in either one, but not moving on.

Why did you do this to me? You made me fall and fall for you, and in the end you let me fall and chose her over me. I know this, but my heart doesn't. My heart fills my mind with fantasies of you coming back to me. 

My therapist says I need to push you out of my mind. I don't think I can do that, because that would mean letting go of the what-if's, letting go of the hope and possibility that you will come to your senses and realize that no one can love you more than I do. I don't think you or anyone else realizes how fully and completely I do love you. If you did, you wouldn't ask me to do the impossible task of letting you go.

I'm still dreaming. I hope to keep dreaming. I can't stop dreaming. Not yet.

Voices

He has such a beautiful smile
What a wonderful laugh.
So perfect and unique
I could just bask in it.
Imagining his laugh, his smile
Makes my heart hot with joy
Yet shatters it instantly, continuously.

I heard his voice last night. Twice. Twice he called my name. And that was all. It nearly gave me a heart attack. I'm saying I heard an out loud, audible voice. And it was his, saying my name.

Now we already know I'm crazy. I have bipolar and major depressive disorder, along with some pretty bad anxiety. I don't need to add hearing voices to my list of insanities. 

And the worst part? I want more than anything to hear him again.

The One That Got Away

Tell me that I am loved
Tell me what I'm dreaming of
And I'll tell you I'll be the love of your life
And I'll tell you there's no guilt in this life
     And we can be together
     If only just forever
     And we will be the martyrs
     For, for, for love
It's not an easy break
The hurt spills, overtakes
And I'll be the one that got away
And I'll be your biggest mistake
     And I wish we'd be together
     If only just forever
     And we will dance tonight
     And then say our goodbyes.

Grief

Something my pastor said last Sunday has been sticking in my mind. He was giving a sermon on how to recognize a true friend, and friend that is a gift from God, closer than a brother. He said, "Blood may be thicker than water, but spirit is thicker than blood." What he meant was that although the world says that family is supposed to be your #1, there are some relationships that are greater still because of the presence of the Holy Spirit and the kinship that comes from being brothers and sisters in Christ. These are people you would lay your life down for, even if it meant choosing them over a family member that you may have less of a relationship with.
A few people came to mind during this sermon. One was my best friend Laura. Two were my aunts. The other was the man I asked to marry me 4 months ago.
I'll start with Laura. She is incredible. As far as friends go, she is the best I could ever ask for. She fits me perfectly. Which is why I was very sad when she moved to North Dakota. Grievance #1.
Back in August, my favorite aunt lost her battle with cancer and went home. Almost two months later, another aunt died unexpectedly of an overdose.
Grievances #2 and #3.
And the worst one of all. The man. Our spirits were knit together; at least, that's what it felt like. For 6 years we were friends closer than family. The only person I would choose over him is my daughter. Hands down. No one else would make the cut. Which is why this grief is the worst. I loved him for 6 years and never said anything; until 4 months ago. Unfortunately, he already had a fiance when I revealed my feelings; consequently, we can no longer have contact with each other. I understand her point of view, I really do, but I don't think she understands mine. Not that she needs to. I've accepted the fact that he chose her over me. What I haven't accepted is that I'll likely never see nor speak to him again. He knew my soul. I'm afraid I'll never find that again. And that is the worst grief of all. This soul-wrenching pain; I love him more fully and more deeply than I ever could explain or express. 
There is no healing for me in this. Not in this season. This season is for me to grieve, so please let me. Don't ask me if I'm ok, because I'm not. Don't tell me it's for the best, because I"ll punch you. And don't try to make me feel better, because I don't want to.

Come Wake Me Up- Rascal Flatts

This song completely sums up my life right now.

Letter from a Broken Heart

Why did I have to fall in love with you?!? It isn't fair to have to love someone I cant have, and now I've lost every part of you. All I have left of you is Hugs. I can feel my heart breaking. Actually, it's more of a ripping, tearing feeling. It's like my heart is so full of love mixed with hurt and regret that it can't hold it all and is breaking at the seams. I miss you more than I can bear.
I have to believe that I will someday be healed from this, but in this moment, right now, I can't see past my hurt to what might be, when things might be better. I wrote you letter and told you I was fine and had moved on. You told me I had to let you go, and I told you I did. But that was a lie; I believed it at the time because I had been squashing my true feelings. The unrelenting angst, jealousy, anger, sorrow, and bitterness.
I'm done crying for the moment, but these feelings don't just go away on their own. How can I let you go?!? I loved you for 6 YEARS, and I still do. I think I always will, in a way.

Little Dancer

My daughter had her first dance class on Saturday, my gift to her for her 2nd birthday. Although she didn't follow directions very well, she had a lot of fun and did well with the other kids.
I am beyond proud to be able and willing to give this gift to her. I never had anything like this growing up, accept for karate, and that lasted only a few months. I wish my parents had cared enough about my development to put me in these types of classes long term. For instance, I always wished I had taken piano, and I plan on starting piano lessons for G when she turns 5. I will start giving her guitar lessons in the next year or so.
I guess the best any of us can do is to do better than our parents did. I want G to have these skills and the work ethic the classes provide as she grows and matures into a girl, a tween, and a young lady. I believe they are skills she will treasure for the rest of her life. Happy birthday beautiful girl!

This is a project I wanted to do to get the dark side of my life out in a positive, constructive way. You can interpret this however you want. The main theme is that life is worth it, even in the darkest places.

And recently...

Hello again. Yes, I'm back. I don't think anyone reads this, so I guess it doesn't really matter. 

I've been spending a lot of time with one of my best friends lately. We've been considering dating each other. He's really sweet, makes me laugh, and is great with my daughter. I feel like God has been prompting me to open my mind to the possibility that he could be the one. I have been hesitant about this, for a number of reasons: one, I was recently fooled into thinking I had found the "one" when it turned out he only wanted one thing; two, I don't want to mess up our great friendship; and three, our political views do not seem to mesh, although we haven't talked about them in depth yet. 

On another note, Ginny is going to be 2 next weekend! Omgoodness, that makes me feel old! She has really blossomed into a wonderful, beautiful, intelligent little girl. She has soft brown curly hair, big chocolate brown eyes, and a smile that's contagious as well as mischievous.

That's it for now. I'll try to post more often.

Updates...

A lot has happened since my last post. Of course it has, I'm a mom now, lol! I'll start with the stuff about Ginny.
She will be 5 months next week. She is teething, and has already cut one tooth (bottom right incisor), and the one right next to it is just about to pop! She is 17 lbs 3 oz and 27in as of today (the lactation consultant brings a baby scale and tape measure with her). She also has an ear infection, which was discovered when I decided to take her to the doctor's office on Easter. I have to give her this stuff that looks, smells, and tastes like pepto-bismol, but is actually amoxacillin, 3x a day. I've been pumping and putting it in breast milk, and I have to wait until she's really hungry because she won't take it any other way- she makes this awful (hilarious) face and spits it out! She rolled over for the first time Sunday night, it was amazing!
On a different note, I was reconciled with an old friend, and although the relationship is different, it feels nice to be on good terms. She is getting married in the fall, and I couldn't be happier for her!
Recently I have been realizing what the future might hold, concerning Genevieve and I, and being her parent. I have realized that although I have a whole list of things I know I will NOT do as a parent, I also don't have much of a plan for what I WILL do. I know I do/will love her unconditionally; that goes without saying. But what will I do when it comes time to start teaching responsibility, obedience, character, etc.? All I know is I want to do the best I can for her, which is why I've decided to make time to start reading. I went on Parable's website and scrolled through their list of books on parenting (not all of them, there are over 2000, but I got through a lot of them). Then I found the books that looked appropriate and relevant to me and put them on hold at my local library. My plan is to read these books (some of them are audio books, which makes it easier for me), and then buy the ones that I think would benefit me more with ownership. It's going to be hard trying to balance this with parenting, schoolwork, housework, and church stuff, but I think it is something that is necessary. Please pray for me and my time-management skills.
I think that is all I have for now. I will try to stay current here, but no guarantees (like I said, I'm pretty busy, lol).